Hospitalized – Day 8

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One of my best friends was hospitalised today.

I went to drop her off at the psychiatric ward earlier this evening.

Its been a long time coming.

 

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Medication – Day 22

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I’m going back on medication – I’ll start tomorrow.

My psychiatrist was so incredible today.

I explained to her that being on meds makes me feel weak because I feel I should be able to deal with these issues on my own by now. And then she told me that as unorthodox as it is to tell me this, she is in fact on medication for anxiety.

I made an appointment – Day 21

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I made an appointment with my psychologist for the first time after 6 months.

I don’t think I really need to go that badly, because it’s a small slip up, but only good can come from going to a session and getting my mind cleared and getting an objective view on everything.

This past week at home hasn’t been the greatest. Not sure if I was lonely and missed everyone or because I’m anxious about work or because I decided I’d lose weight this week and I actually landed up gaining…Possibly its a combination of all three.

So I have an appointment Tuesday afternoon when I get back to the city.

I’m not going to tell my parents that I’m going back to therapy because I just don’t want them to worry right now, they think I’m much better and I am, it’s just a slip up.

I will tell A, I don’t know how or when but I feel I probably will. I don’t know what he will say, I just don’t want to keep it from him as its a big deal and its a part of me and I have to be open about it because I need him on my team.

Easter 2015 – Day 8 

  
The moment I binged and purged at their wedding I knew that things had fallen apart. We spent the whole wedding arguing. 
‘Thats the way a bride is supposed to act, she isn’t saying a speech and she isn’t taking over the wedding, her family isn’t taking over the wedding’ he said.

And all I could do was nod. 

‘This is the way a wedding is supposed to be’ my husband said while nodding his head furiously. ‘I’m still so embarrassed by the way your family just ruled the wedding, how nobody included me and nobody consulted me or cared about me at my own wedding.’

‘I still can’t believe you did this to me Danielle, I still can’t believe how you emasculated me.’

And again I just nodded and apologised profusely. 

‘We can never get that night back. We’ll never be able to have it back, the most important day of our lives and you ruined it!’

Every second I could get away from him and the blaming I would suddenly find myself at the desserts, binging on everything and anything I could find. Running downstairs into the fields and into the darkness and purging. Tears running my cheeks and my face stoning from the cold and I was purging. I would go to the bathroom and freshen up and go back upstairs to the reception and the cycle would begin again. And all the time through the purging I just kept saying to myself ‘You falling apart Danielle, You are falling apart, ’ 

2016

I cannot fathom how blessed I am and how content I feel right now…

Bye Bye Israel – PART 9 – Day 1

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Last time I catch the bus in Israel.

I catch the Metropoline bus from Mitzpe Ramon to Beersheva and I just stare out the window. I honestly cannot believe that I fly him today after two months of travelling this across this magical country. This country that will forever hold a piece of my heart. I stare out the window at the endless landscape of desert mountains. The desert doesn’t always look the same, the richness is so alive, the scenery changes with almost every turn. From a clear blue sky contrasting with red sandy mountains and smooth rocky cliffs, the closer we get to Beersheva the greener it becomes and the sans are lighter shades of taupes and browns. These montains that hold some of my tears and my screams that I scream as I got to the top of a difficult climb.

I’m just in time to catch the train so I at least don’t have to wait for a long time in the train station. The trains are so spacious in Israel, which helps with all my luggage. I’ve had to sell half my belongings just to fit all the gifts in that I bought for everyone.

I arrive at the airport and before the luggage drop off and being issued my ticket I get asked a million questions. In typical Israeli fashion, each person gets asked a string of questions and my heart bleeds for the poor Canadian girl to my right who has spent about 15minutes being questioned and all I keep thinking to myself is ‘please let me get someone else for the questioning, please don’t let me be questioned by the woman who is harassing the poor Canadian girl’.

And luckily I wasn’t, but I was still questioned and my god did I try to be charming. The questions are as follows:

‘Where in Israel did you travel?’

‘Are you Jewish?’ – I lied and said my grandmother is Jewish, yes ok, I lied in the holy land.

‘Can you speak hebrew?’

‘Can you read or write Hebrew?’

‘Why were you in Turkey?’

‘Where did you stay in Turkey? Do you have family and friends there?’

‘Is there someone we can contact in Israel to prove you were with them?’

‘Did anyone give you any gifts? Are you sure?’

And so on and so on…

Eventually made it through…

After all, how can you run away from what’s inside you? – Day 17

  
I want to binge and purge and sleep and repeat this cycle continuously. 

This morning I walked into the desert and sat in a tiny bit of shade and thought about what if life just stopped. If it all just ended. I ended. 

No more fear and anxiety. No more feelings of inadequacy and hatred for myself. No more feeling like a burden to my family. My parents wouldn’t have to dish out money to their daughter that is just never going to grow up, the daughter with no direction, failing at everything. 

Just ending everything. 

I guess I came to Israel to escape this and it followed me because it is me. 

Only 3 weeks to go – Day 5

I cannot believe that I have exactly 3 weeks left in Israel.

This past 5 weeks have been a roller coaster ride. So many ups and downs, I have been all over the place emotionally, my eating disorder has made many appearances that have left me numb. Suicidal thoughts and depression snuck up on me with no warning. I miss my family and friends, at times it was unbearable.

I have walked hundreds of kilometers, eaten hummus to my hearts content and met people from all walks of love. I’ve blown my nose with a piece of paper from my notebook in order to save toilet paper. I have become friends with people who have the kindest souls. Minefields and waterfalls, I’ve lugged my backpack along the Jordan river and I’ve managed with two outfits and no make up 🙂

It’s been an experience of a life time.

I am so grateful for this opportunity and I am so proud of myself for hanging in there when the times got rough!

Next stop…

The desert