Binge and purge on chocolate chip cookies and now eating pancakes with cinnamon and honey.
And I’m like ‘fuck it fatty, just keep eating’
All the Nutella in the world.
Strong binge urges. Had the most delicious lunch ever of pita bread and hummus and I am so full.
I had such a wonderful day – which I will post about.
But for now.
Nothing sounds more attractive than binge and purge right now 🙁
Going to skype with Andrew in a bit so just staring at my phone waiting for this to pass.
I tried to purge today, I literally scratched my throat with my nails and almost choked, and so I just ran out the bathroom horrified.
Something my dad said in June. He wishes my ex husband went to them and said ‘Danielle has relapsed, we need to help her’ instead of dismissing it and making me out to be attention seeking. ‘It’s not a choice, she’s hiding and running away’
Work went much better today.
My relationship with food and my body however is slipping. I found myself in front of the mirror this morning bending over trying to see the ribs on my back – which are hardly visible anymore. I say I found myself in front of the mirror because you slip into these habits so instantly that you are on autopilot and all of a sudden you realise what you are actually doing.
I miss my ribs and I miss my protruding hip bones and I miss my slimmer thighs. The sad part her however is that when I am at my thinnest I still need to be thinner and I am still not happy with my body. I keep trying to remind myself that I have to love myself, my body is just a shell and no matter what my shell looks like it actually does not affect my love for myself, its all on the inside. I need to love the inside.
Working on it one day at a time.
I haven’t spoken to him since Monday and this makes me sad I will admit.
I had a good day until lunch and then afterwards I had a slab of chocolate – there I go, labelling the day as bad. I will skip dinner now. Or I can force myself to have dinner and be calm and kind. Skipping dinner is easier, listening to ed is easier today.
Today is day 101 and my husband is still miserable and blames me for ruining his life – fun times.
I am working for my parents until Friday and then back to the city and then I will be back on the following Friday for holidays.
A sliver of me was enjoying the day while the rest was anxious and felt like boiling over—with what, I’m not sure.
It is strange being home and working again. It is also a massive trigger for my eating disorder I have learned. When I was eighteen I worked for my parents for two months before going to study and it was during one of the most debilitating phases in my eating disorders. I hated myself. I was exercising 3 hours a day. I was binging and purging all day and then skipping dinner.
Being home is bringing back those memories. Having the same routine and having meals with my parents where my dad comments when he isn’t happy with the food, and how it upsets my mom, I see her shrugging it off and trying to ignore it but of course it gets to her. All the kind of foods I used to binge on are still in the grocery cupboards. All the chocolate is still in the same place. The exact scale I used is in my brothers bathroom which used to be my parents bathroom.
I’m scared to run. I went this morning but it took me forever to get out of bed, not because I was lazy but because I am absolutely petrified that I slip into over exercising and that I don’t find a balance. In a way this is also self sabotaging because I love exercising but ed is keeping me from it because it somehow tries to convince me that I don’t deserve good things. Much like when I want a healthy meal, I eat junk food because there is some connection in my brain that registers that I don’t deserve anything good. I deserve to be ill.
It’s funny, when I am on the farm with my parents I am ok. When I am in my family home where I grew up and I am working, I am scared and I am anxious and I feel like that eighteen year old girl forcing herself to run for another hour to make up for a binge.
I have been eating really well this week, I however have been feeling a binge coming on. So this morning I had two bowls of granola instead of one, lunch I had salmon and salad and at around 4 when I got home I had five bowls of granola and purged 😦 so I naturally didn’t have dinner after that.
So I took a nap and when I awoke I was thinking about the divorce and how it affected me, but more so how it affected my family. I will never forget standing outside the mall in the parking lot, my mom and dad were on their way back home after we had packed up my whole house. I was so fragile, so thin and deep into the depression. I hugged my mom and dad goodbye and my mom cried and I cried and then my dad cried. I’d only seen my dad cry a hand full of times before, first his mum passed away when I was 5, when I was about 16 we were all at home and he cried because of how beautiful the song ‘good bye to a river’ by Don Henley, when I was 21 and our dog tequila died, when he was in ICU, my sisters wedding, my wedding and that day in the parking lot holding me. My mom and dad and me clinging onto each other tightly and crying and they kept saying ‘you have to be strong my girl, you have to be strong’ and I was just collapsing, collapsing into my parents arms. My dad had his strong arms around my mom and I and we both cried leaving black traces of mascara all over his powder blue shirt.
I had a glass of wine outside and there was a slight breeze stinging my cheeks and I sat for about an hour listening to the trees in the wind and the cars passing by. Wrapped up with my knees in my hoodie. Me and my wine and my thoughts in what I realise is my happy place. Sitting quietly and being grateful and being calm, thinking about how loved I am and about how incredible my life has become after all the turmoil.
Then He called and I went over to his house and we just chilled and went to sleep at about nine and chatted about our holiday. It’s just a week and we’ll be on the sunny beach, I cannot wait! Things were really nice and relaxed last night – I think keeping my distance must have worked. I really like him. I really want to stay in this relationship and I want it to blossom, but we shall see, its not about the outcome, its about the journey. For now, being with him is magical.
Binge and purge on four bowls of granola this morning – I love granola! So awful start, also skipped gym. Got to work and wasn’t feeling particularly motivated but I gave myself a stern talking to because I really to start getting inspired and excited about work again.
Naturally skipped all my meals for the rest of the day and this evening I sat and I did eating disorder therapy homework and it was incredible. It was hard at times and there are many interesting observations I made. I am quite clearly still harbouring a lot of anger towards my ex husband (I wonder when it will become ex husband, things are really taking their time)
I also have many issues with not being good enough.
Interesting observation, is that I have a fear of growing up, I think many of us with eating disorders do. I think its perhaps because I am the youngest, I am the baby of the family, it just happened so. I am always being protected and everyone is constantly looking out for me and worrying about me, I am the baby. This is all good and well but I feel that I have this fear because I am scared to fail and also because my husband always called me a child – its engraved in my mind that I am a child.
Somehow I feel that my growth keeps getting stunted somehow. My family really wants me to grow of course, but I am still the baby in their eyes. The one that needs to be looked after (I cant exactly blame them for feeling this way as I have for some reason my whole life always found myself in some kind of emotional turmoil). As a child, my brother and sister used to call me the tap – because I cried all the time, I was literally like a tap that you could switch on and off. I was so incredibly sensitive. I went to boarding school as well and there I had my brother and sister look out for me.
When I was about 14 I often used to burst into tears because I didn’t know what was wrong, I didn’t know what I was feeling. I would cry because I was scared that I would never amount to anything and I would cry because I didn’t feel like I fitted in anywhere or that I couldn’t relate to anyone.
Because I went to boarding at the age of six, I was never taught how to deal with emotion and I never witnessed a lot of emotion in my family as I only saw them on every third weekend and then during the holiday. When we got together it was all about celebrations and being together – if there was something that I was upset about I would just sweep it under the rug because I wanted to enjoy my time with my family. Only when I was nineteen and all my drama came out did I actually connect with my family on a more emotional level. Only then did I become open with them.
Anyway, growing up scares me because I feel in a way that no one is allowing me to. The fact that I don’t earn much money makes me feel awful because my mum still gives me money – I feel like I cant make it a month without her help. Also the fact that I now live on my uncles property. The fact that I don’t feel that I am growing at work anymore.
I really don’t feel like I am growing. The fact that I took the risk of getting divorced and putting so much work into healing and into my personal growth has really made me look at every aspect in my life in a completely different way. If it isn’t feeding my soul anymore then why am I still doing it?
At work I am starting to feel that the only reason I am still in my job is because of my boss. Because I love her and I am so loyal to the business and we have become such incredible friends. I don’t feel like I am challenged at work or motivated or growing. I am doing this for her, for her business and because I don’t want the brand to fail, I want the brand to thrive. However, I am no longer thriving?
This really is the year of me. For the first time in my life I am putting myself first and doing whats good for me and taking responsibility for myself.
I think this is one of the reasons why I fell for him so quickly – because I just said ‘fuck it, I want to kiss you so I am going to kiss you’, I didn’t lie worrying about how it would affect me later, I didn’t think about my husband, I didn’t think about the fact that I am still technically married. It just felt right and I just followed my heart and I took a risk and it has been amazing.
I thought I could never pull out from under my husbands stare. Well I did. I held my heart in my hands and I said ‘fuck it’. I’m taking your word and I’m listening to it, and as real as the blood pumping through the veins in my heart – that is how real this year has been. That is how real things become when you listen to your heart and you risk everything for your heart.
I fear I’ll die from complications – complications from the things that I have left undone.
I saw my psychiatrist this morning and my dose has been upped for my antidepressant and mood stabilisers. going from 100mg Lamictal and 20mg Lilly Fluoxetine up to: 150mg Lamictal and 40mg Lilly. She is happy to up the dose because I am on such a low dose and she feels that this could potentially be chemical. Also apparently you have many receptors in the brain and perhaps only some receptors are being linked and if we up the dosage more will be linked. Now what the fuck happens when they are all linked and I need to start unlinking them because I want to go off the medication?
When I get triggered I understand, and I understand what my triggers for my eating disorder are. Example yesterday there were of course a lot of strange feelings when I dropped off my settlement agreement. Then in the afternoon the plot thickened – my marriage certificate is missing – so now what? I binged and purged.
However when I wake up anxious in the morning and depressed and I want to binge and purge – this doesn’t make sense to me.
So this morning I went to gym and I had a balanced breakfast after and I had a balanced lunch because as much as it is psychological it is also physiological. Restricting is setting yourself up for failure – it will probably land up in a binge and then the anxiety gets worse and then purging is a great release and then you feel calm. Its a sick cycle and an addiction. So I really need to make a conscious effort to eat balanced, even if I find it scary – because I find a normal healthy portion to be massive – but then I binge and purge on 2000calories at once? Wavering between restricting and binging – sick sick cycle. If you walk in circles you’ll find yourself back at the start.
Another fun fact is that my marriage certificate has disappeared. I am 100% sure that it was in the envelope I dropped off yesterday and now my husbands lawyers say it isn’t. Naturally I am freaking the fuck out and anxiety level at 190000% and I have taken two urbanol – which I am not sure is even healthy? I am feeling slightly calmer but not even much, my legs are shaking so much and I have so much nervous energy yet I want to take a nap.
And now I am feeling calm and this post is going to take a complete different direction which I think is fantastic because it shows how scattered my brain is right now.
In hindsight maybe everything is just the way it IS meant to be? This is the path you meant to be walking, this is the journey. Is it hard? yes its fucking hard and its dark but its also light. In hindsight maybe everything is the way it is meant to be right now and life is a risk. Getting divorced was a risk and the best risk I have ever taken – no matter the fact that I will always hold my husband dear to my heart – it was a risk and it was great. Everyday is a risk, waking up is a risk and driving your car to work is a risk.
Life stops for no one, the world is carrying on. Time wont fly because you are paralysed by it, but the world is going on all around you. And maybe this is just the state I am in right now. I need to feel lost and absorbed in my eating disorder, and I need to have a disappeared marriage certificate because in the grander scheme of things its just a marriage certificate – I can and will get another. Its not the end of the world. In hindsight my friend was supposed to be really upset with me so that I could learn to balance friendships and personal relationships.
Perhaps right now I need comfort and I’m finding it in my eating disorder and yes I do need to fight it – but maybe this is just the space I am meant to be in. In hindsight maybe I am supposed to be completely terrified about the fact that I have met a man that makes me happy because its teaching me to follow my heart and take a chance on him and risk it and take the leap and just be.
In hindsight maybe this is where I need to be. In this cycle and on medication and divorced at 25 and now falling for someone new. I need to have a little money so that I can learn its worth. Maybe in hindsight the fat that I feel completely indifferent about my husband is just the way its supposed to be -no need to feel guilty because I moved on to quickly – who the hell made that rule up anyway. Maybe this is all just the way life is supposed to be right now.
Maybe it all just is.
And I just need to learn to be comfortable with the unknown because none of us know where we will be tomorrow. Maybe we just need to speak our minds and be open and tell people we care and love them and take the risk. Risk that job. Risk telling that person how you feel. risk telling your boss that you fucked up. Risk following your dream. Risk doing something you have always wanted to but were afraid you would be laughed at. Just follow your heart, if your wants you to take that risk then just take that risk.
Everything you want is on the other side of fear…
Why do we crucify ourselves?
My heart is sick of being in chains.
Part II was supposed to start off on such a positive note. Instead it started with binge purge in the morning, 8km run, and then a nap.
I’ve wanted to leave this life. No, I don’t want to die, but I definitely wouldn’t mind leaving for a while. Today I had an awful morning and then I had brunch and it was lovely and then it was awful. I hid out today. I hid from the world today and I stopped feeling today and I gave into the numbness and I gave into the sorrow. The funny thing about sorrow (not that there is anything funny about sorrow), is that it doesn’t always wear the mask that you expect it to. It isn’t always lying on the floor crying and it isn’t always feeling depressed – sometimes sorrow is staring for two hours and being blank and sometimes its distraction of any form.
Today it was binge and purge. Today it was my dark side, and I remained there all day. Today I was numb and I didn’t care. I honestly just didn’t give a fuck about life at all. SHOCK! HORROR! People think I am incredibly strong and resilient and wise and positive – well yes I am resilient. But I also have a very negative side to me – my dark side, and no one will ever take me away from my dark side. We all have that side, some darker than others. And don’t think because you have not seen someones dark side that they don’t have one – oh trust me they do. We all do. My gran used to call it the little devil on your shoulder. Thats your little dark side that crucifies you. Literally, it turns the lights off.
Your dark side sits and criticises you until you are stripped bare. The dark side makes you feel so much hurt that your heart feels it is going to explode and that dark side also makes you feel nothing. When you are so broken and you force the tears and they don’t come. You hanging out with your dark side my friend.
My dark side and I bonded today. Thoughts of self harm, hatred, depression, regret and all things poison.
Misery is company.
Is it healthy to have days like this? I don’t think so. Days to mourn and days to cry and be sad and days to feel sorry for yourself are necessary. Days where the dark side of depression kicks in and you allow it – I don’t think these days are healthy.
I will honestly try to sit with the dark side next time and feel the thoughts instead of pushing them away. I have to try and learn to live with that dark side and just be present in it. No one deserves to be there.