I’m so incredibly curvy at the moment that when I look at my boobs and butt, I get a little turned on even…thats how sexy I’ve become. A loves it obviously and there is a part of me does too.
But I’ve never wanted to be sexy.
I wanted to be tiny and cute and skinny.
I want clothes to hang off my bones, my want my pants to float around my hip bones and I want my waist to be so tiny, I want my ribs to stick out and I want to count them.
I want to be fragile and waif like, floating… delicate.
I want to be held and I want him to run his fingers across my bones, I want him to be so gentle because I might break.
Now he looks at me and thinks I’m so sexy and strong and confident. He loves every curve and stares at me when I’m wearing a low cut top, he touches me all the time and he can’t keep his eyes off my body.
Which is better…which is beautiful. Because I am a woman. And that is beautiful and that is powerful.
But the illness in me still wants to be a weak and fragile fairy like creature…
Yesterday afternoon A and I took the plunge. We’ve been discussing it for months but I’ve always been nervous and I wanted to be ready and take it slow…
We had a few vodka cranberries, chatted about life, kissed playfully and giggled. Made love on the couch – it was incredible. It was so intimate. Later we found ourselves upstairs in bed and he asked if we should try and I said yes. It was painful but he was so gentle, he was so loving and soft and made sure I was ok and comfortable at all times and he made sure that I felt completely in control. He liked it, said it felt different, really good but different. And I liked it, it was sore, but like a good kind of sore, but every time I started to enjoy I would be reminded that is was slightly painful, even though a good kind of painful.
I asked him to stop, and we could try again later because it was really just so incredibly overwhelming. Because I don’t think I have ever trusted anyone as much as I trusted A in that moment. I never even trusted my ex husband like that. The trust and the connection I felt last night was so powerful – I know he obviously felt connected to me as well, but I think for a man, the physical experience overrides everything else?
Afterwards I felt so raw and emotional, we lay in each others arms kissing and he said ‘how did I get so lucky?’ and I replied with the same. ‘I’m really just the luckiest to have you, you’re so special’ he said. And I smiled and closed my eyes on his chest.
I guess I’m just surprised at the emotional effect this has had on me. In a way I feel like a changed woman, like a whole new reality has been revealed to me and that mine and A’s relationship will definitely be different from here on out. Not a huge difference, but a slight difference. Because its as if letting go completely – for possibly the first time in my life – has shown so much trust and love for him. I felt so vulnerable and safe and close to him. The connection was like something we had never experienced before.
I guess I’m scared and I’m anxious because I feel so out of control around him – so natural and organic – and that is a foreign territory for me. I have fallen so in love, with no safety net and it’s the most frightening experience.
I feel so incredibly vulnerable and emotional now.
I spend every night with A usually except Mondays because he plays soccer and then I catch up on all my admin work. It feels strange being in bed alone, I miss him. I’ve become so attached.
I went to gym 6 times last week – whoop whoop! But then didn’t go today because I had strange back pain.
I just had chocolate brownies for dinner – and I don’t feel guilty. Not even a little…
Something happened a long time ago…
Something that made me feel that I deserved to be punished. When I do something wrong I deserve to be punished. When I start feeling happy I need to be punished because I don’t deserve it. I just won’t allow it. Something in me just won’t allow me to be happy.
Today was so stressful, I made a mistake at work and I just crumbled. And now I feel so much better after purging. So so so much better…
Went to therapy today and my psychologist pointed out the following:
A year ago I actually started therapy, with a 6 month gap recently. And in the span of one year I somehow managed to:
Leave a chaotic marriage and get a divorce
Leave my home and move into a new one, uprooting all my comforts
Resign from my job
Travel through a foreign country alone
Start a business
Try to recover from an eating disorder during all this chaos
I discussed with her that perhaps I don’t want to recover, its been 10 years that I have been in and out of the constant struggle that is this eating disorder.
She said its because it serves a purpose. It’s there for me and it has a function, its comforting and its a distraction. Until I learn to to feel my anxiety, the disorder will be there. She says I have become really negative, I’m fearful and she could sense my anxiety. She said I couldn’t really expect myself to make a full recovery with so much going on in my life.
Now I need to take things slow… Be gentle with myself and give myself time…
Forget the mirror. Forget the folds when you pinch your sides, the days you spend wishing some parts of you will melt away, or disappear, pinch your neck, your arms, your thighs, take everything out. As a young girl you wished you could use knives to make it all disappear.
But you were always meant for so much more.
You’re a woman and you can do anything and achieve anything and be anything you want to be.
Its the century where we have the world at our hands and we chose to be thin and we chose to be pretty. Intelligence, kindeness, perseverance and strength didnt appeal because Anna and Mia defined strength as something else.
Forget them. Forget the mirrors and the whispers form others. The magazine covers, the false idea of beauty and strength. Forget them.
Clench your fists and tighten jaw and take it back. Be the woman you were born to be.
Life is too short to live one life and it’s way too short to waste. It’s too precious and its too special to spend all your energy on hatred for yourself. Life is a gift and your body is the only home you have. Why destroy your home?
Forget what they say because it doesn’t matter.
You can be whoever you decide to be. Take back what the illnesses stole and be the woman you were born to be.
I didn’t do much today, I didn’t do nearly as much as I wanted and that’s ok.
I binged a lot.
Today was better…
Got work done which was great.
Naturally I’m having second the collection and the colors and the styles and everything and it’s frustrating…and it always happens when I design.
Today was bad again…
Biscuits for days…
Will the cycle ever end? No probably not.
So I am the biggest I have been in about 5 years at the moment and its horrendous but I seem to be handling it well. The support from A is tremendous – mainly because he never ever mentions my body or weight and he didn’t mention anything when I got back from Israel 6kilograms heavier. Because he never focuses on my body – be it good or bad – I have never felt uncomfortable about my body around him.
I purged tonight for the first time since being back from Israel. Simply because I ate too much and I was full and I didn’t want to deal with that feeling so I just purged – not a lot even, not all the food, just until I felt more comfortable. Then I shrugged it off as if nothing had happened.