Better – Day 20

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Today was better…

Got work done which was great.

Naturally I’m having second the collection and the colors and the styles and everything and it’s frustrating…and it always happens when I design.

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She’s gone rogue – Day 19

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Today was bad again…

Biscuits for days…

Will the cycle ever end? No probably not.

 

 

 

The biggest misconception one can make, is to think an eating disorder is shown in ones weight – Day 15

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So I am the biggest I have been in about 5 years at the moment and its horrendous but I seem to be handling it well. The support from A is tremendous – mainly because he never ever mentions my body or weight and he didn’t mention anything when I got back from Israel 6kilograms heavier. Because he never focuses on my body – be it good or bad – I have never felt uncomfortable about my body around him.

I purged tonight for the first time since being back from Israel. Simply because I ate too much and I was full and I didn’t want to deal with that feeling so I just purged – not a lot even, not all the food, just until I felt more comfortable. Then I shrugged it off as if nothing had happened.

Self worth – Day 19

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It’s really tough when for as long as you can remember, you have placed all your self worth on your body. If you aren’t thin then you aren’t worthy; but you aren’t worthy so you will never be thin enough anyway.

I feel like a stranger in my own skin, when I am at the gym I often want to stop mid workout because I get repulsed by my body.

I have studied my body extensively over the past ten years that I know exactly what it looks like at all times. I am painfully aware of the amount of space I take up and the way my thighs look when I sit, the way my arms look and the way my tummy looks when I sit or stand. Now I am confused. I don’t recognise the person in the mirror, when I look down, the size of my thighs upset me and the curve of my bum makes me shudder.

But we have to keep on moving on and on…

I have to keep on loving myself no matter how challenging it may get.

This is me in this body, in this shell that I call my home. I love it now and I love it then and I will love it forever, it’s really all I have and I have to cherish it and care for it. No matter how difficult it seems.

This too shall pass – Day 12 

  
I got a new tattoo…

I love it! 

When I was looking at my arm before the tattoo artist began I saw the faint lines of where I used to cut my arms in my late teens and early twenties and I just smiled. How far I have come. 

Because everything passes, in those moments where we feel like nothing will change and we are stuck. When the anxiety strikes and there is no way out- it will pass. When a binge and purge urge strikes it will pass. When you want to crawl out of your skin- that feeling will pass. 

And when the pain and the hurt is too much – it will pass. 

So what – Day 10 

  

I have gained so much weight, I had to buy a pair of jeans today and they were 2 sizes bigger than what I normally wear.
Strangely enough even though I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin…I feel happy. Is my body where I want it to be? No, most definitely not. But does this define me? No, definitely not. 
I’ve been going to gym and trying to eat healthy and have treats in moderation. 
There is a fear that I slip back into restricting however. I really don’t want to risk it because I feel myself getting excited about the fact that my collar bones are starting to become more visible. I want to do this right. I want to do this the healthy way this time round.