You, me and Dupree – Day 7

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We’re housesitting for my aunt and uncle until Sunday and its great, we’re so excited 🙂

One of A’s best friends, Matty, as just come back from Kenya and we haven’t seen him for bout 3 months so he came and crashed our romantic dinner. We landed up drinking 5 bottles of wine between the three of us and sat on the veranda watching the storm pass until 01h00 in the morning.

We were making jokes that we probably all going to have to move into a house together one day. Me and A and all his friends because no other woman seems to put up with them 🙂 was so sweet.

I love all those boys so much.

Special – Day 14

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What makes everything so special with A is the immense amount of trust I feel when I am with him. The way he makes me feel so safe, as if no harm will ever come near me when I am with him. It was already 2 months ago that we tried for the first time and after having a few cocktails, going down on him in the car on our way home, it felt like it was time to try again.

It was magical. It was special, he was so kind and gentle and loving, even more than our first time. We kissed slowly, he put music on and undressed me slowly, staring into each others eyes all the while. It was tight and slow and erotic but so romantic at the same time. We smiled at each other every so often, he kissed my forehead, we held hands and he whispered ‘you’re so special’ and he asked if I was ok. We looked deeply into each others eyes, I squeezed his hands and he kissed my back softly when he finished inside me. He is so special and magical and I never want to leave his side.

Spontaneous – Day 12

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I love those Friday nights that are unplanned and turn out to be so lovely. I had drinks with family and by the time I left for A’s house, I was a bit boozed and all I wanted was to make love to him. I got to his house and it was magical, we smoked a joint in the car, went for all you can eat sushi, had gin and tonic and slept soundly in each others arms.

Rugga – when you’re interests change – Day 24

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Went with A and the family to watch rugby today at Loftes in Pretoria and it was amazing. We played against Australia and by some miracle we won – we played terribly. Kicking the ball from one side of the field to the other side over and over again with no tactics – pointless.

I never liked rugby.

My ex husband would be horrified if he saw me at games and speaking about rugby.

But A loves it. He absolutely loves it and I have been converted to a fan all because of him. Because of the joy he feels for the game, the excitement. The way he picks me up and high fives me and kisses me when we score a try and the way he lies on my shoulder sad when we lose. Its not the game, its how much he loves it that has made me love it 🙂

the best – Day 16

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Shrooms

Are you waving or are you cresting? I did mushrooms for the first time ever on Friday night all the way through to Saturday morning and it was incredible!Like seriously on of the most fun nights of my life. I did them with A and a bunch of his friends and it was fabulous.

Love

What was the best though was lying in the tent with A chatting for four hours because we couldn’t sleep. We spoke about so many things – our childhoods, our dreams, our relationship.

And we just lay chatting and kissing and making out like teenagers – it was so special. Being in his arms and just chatting and kissing passionately.

Running strong – Day 13

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We’ve been doing really well with our running, A and I, today we did a 7km and we actually managed quite well 🙂

Then made delicious pasta for dinner and I concentrated on every morsel that entered my mouth and tried not to be freaked out by all the cream.

Pressure – Day 21

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A has made it quite clear that he wants to take things slow and I really need to take things slow.

I however don’t know what thats like. I know how to be in a couple, because for the past 5 years of my life, I’ve been in a couple. I don’t know how to plan things without my partner and I don’t know how to be chill. I have no idea.

My parents have an opportunity to take me with to Namibia for a mini holiday and for business and they’ve invited A to come with. He however has booked for a festival that weekend with friends. Now I naturally want him to come with me to Namibia. But can I ask him to cancel with his friends? Can I ask him to choose me? Well yes of course I can but its only been almost 6 months that we’ve been dating – soooo?

Am I moving to fast now?

Can I ask him to join me, if he says no, I’ll be upset? Of course my mum already said surely he can cancel a trip with friends for a trip to a different country? Well yes, mum he can, but should he?

My anxiety is eating me up alive.

I cant do this. I just cant. I want everything to be simple. I want to be single or married. I cant do this dating thing.

I never wanted to be sexy – Day 9

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I’m so incredibly curvy at the moment that when I look at my boobs and butt, I get a little turned on even…thats how sexy I’ve become. A loves it obviously and there is a part of me does too.

But I’ve never wanted to be sexy.

I wanted to be tiny and cute and skinny.

I want clothes to hang off my bones, my want my pants to float around my hip bones and I want my waist to be so tiny, I want my ribs to stick out and I want to count them.

I want to be fragile and waif like, floating… delicate.

I want to be held and I want him to run his fingers across my bones, I want him to be so gentle because I might break.

Now he looks at me and thinks I’m so sexy and strong and confident. He loves every curve and stares at me when I’m wearing a low cut top, he touches me all the time and he can’t keep his eyes off my body.

Which is better…which is beautiful. Because I am a woman. And that is beautiful and that is powerful.

But the illness in me still wants to be a weak and fragile fairy like creature…

There is only one thing to do when you feeling this way and that is to write – Day 14

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Yesterday afternoon A and I took the plunge. We’ve been discussing it for months but I’ve always been nervous and I wanted to be ready and take it slow…

We had a few vodka cranberries, chatted about life, kissed playfully and giggled. Made love on the couch – it was incredible. It was so intimate. Later we found ourselves upstairs in bed and he asked if we should try and I said yes. It was painful but he was so gentle, he was so loving and soft and made sure I was ok and comfortable at all times and he made sure that I felt completely in control. He liked it, said it felt different, really good but different. And I liked it, it was sore, but like a good kind of sore, but every time I started to enjoy I would be reminded that is was slightly painful, even though a good kind of painful.

I asked him to stop, and we could try again later because it was really just so incredibly overwhelming. Because I don’t think I have ever trusted anyone as much as I trusted A in that moment. I never even trusted my ex husband like that. The trust and the connection I felt last night was so powerful – I know he obviously felt connected to me as well, but I think for a man, the physical experience overrides everything else?

Afterwards I felt so raw and emotional, we lay in each others arms kissing and he said ‘how did I get so lucky?’ and I replied with the same. ‘I’m really just the luckiest to have you, you’re so special’ he said. And I smiled and closed my eyes on his chest.

I guess I’m just surprised at the emotional effect this has had on me. In a way I feel like a changed woman, like a whole new reality has been revealed to me and that mine and A’s relationship will definitely be different from here on out. Not a huge difference, but a slight difference. Because its as if letting go completely – for possibly the first time in my life – has shown so much trust and love for him. I felt so vulnerable and safe and close to him. The connection was like something we had never experienced before.

I guess I’m scared and I’m anxious because I feel so out of control around him – so natural and organic – and that is a foreign territory for me. I have fallen so in love, with no safety net and it’s the most frightening experience.

I feel so incredibly vulnerable and emotional now.

Sorry – Day 23

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06:10

I get woken up by a phone call from A…

‘Hello’ I answer

‘How are you’ he asks softly, I can hear he just woke up and is half asleep and confused.

‘Ok, you?’

‘I’m so sorry, I don’t know what happened, I was being such a show off and a douche and now I woke up and my bunz isn’t here with’ he says sighing,

‘Thats because bunz is at bitch avenue’ I say and I swear he can hear me shaking my heads as my lips start to tremble and I can feel my tears are about to escape.

‘I’m so sorry’

‘It’s ok’

‘Do you want to see me today?’ he asks desperately.

‘I do, I’ll shower and get dressed, I just need a little time to think and I’ll be there’.

Crawled back into bed and cried… There is a part of me that wants to rip his head off. A part of me that is furious and hurt and distraught. Then there is my heart that accepts the apology and loves him still and forgives him and knows that I need to keep going. A part of me that will allow one fight and forgive him and move on.

When I got to his house he was still sleeping. He held me, said sorry. Said it would never happen again and he hates being the reason I cry.

‘I was so terrified that you were going to walk in  and say its over and leave’ he said sadly.

‘My bunz, don’t think I’m going to give up on us so easily, just because you were an idiot for one night, doesn’t mean its going to ruin this. We’re worth so much more than that!’ I said and kissed him on his forehead 🙂

He took us for breakfast and the hard-rock cafe and bought me a t shirt to say sorry 🙂