Heartbreak – Day 9

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My friend.

My best friend since I was nine years old – the one I surprised for her birthday. She has broken up with her boyfriend of 10 years and all I want to do is hold her.

All the dreams and hopes shattered. Just like I did, she has to move out, she doesn’t have much money and her world has shattered.

I wish I could take all the pain away.

This is the saddest vanilla that I’ve ever tasted – Day 14

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My heart is here freezing, as my tears fill my bowl and I’m finally tasting alone. Sat at an ice cream parlour and you broke my heart, now I’m tasting the saddest vanilla.

You’re such a swamp, but you’re all I want.

I miss him.

I feel scared and anxious for the future. Trying to be peace at where I am at this moment. Be free in the learning and be free here and now in this moment. I have no direction and I have no where I’m heading and I guess I am lost. But I am me and that is enough for now.

I will be found and I’m not faking it anymore. I don’t know what or who or when or how. I don’t know what I want from this life. And thats ok for now.

I’m ok.

There’s a bright white beautiful heaven hanging over me.

Closing time – Day 12

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I woke up nostalgic and fragile and sad.

Yesterday was my last day of work, 3 years and its an end of an era, it was bitter sweet. Saying good bye to your colleagues and your comfort zone and embarking on a journey that you have absolutely no idea where it will take you or where you will land up.

Sitting on my single bed, 112 days ago, I lay in this bed alone. For the first time in four years I was going to sleep in a house that I shared with no one but myself. No one but myself to take responsibility for and no one to answer to and no structure.
Embarking on a journey that I had no idea about. Dealing with a divorce and the eating disorder, cutting for the first time in 6 years. ingle and feeling alone but liberated and free. The world in my grasp, right in front of me.

I made it.

This year I went back to the city a wife. I cried and I cried and I hid away and I was isolated from the people I love. I grew cold and distant. Lost all my confidence. I had no hope and I was scared, scared of myself, scared of my husband, scared of the past and scared of the future.
I’m ending this year and going home to family today, my loved ones who came in and lifted me like a cavalry out of this mess and carried me through.

Today is bitter sweet.

My dreams were crushed, my innocence and naivety lost and life revealed itself to be a dark cloud. Plans turned upside down and I realised that life is fleeting.

Never looking back.

Tomorrow will be my 1 year wedding anniversary. It will be tough and I know that. But I am never looking back, I remember every detail of that day and this year has been painful. But I am content with where I am now. I could be that scared girl I was in May, hiding away from the world, but instead I am me.

I miss you – Day 12

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I miss Him.

He is distant and I feel that we hardly know each other.

I know it was genuine. I will never stop feeling silly though, I won’t stop thinking that he did lead me on. cations spoke louder than words. We agreed that it was casual. But the actions told a different story. Weekend brunches at his house with friends, we packed the dish washer together. Helping each other pack when we went on trips. Sharing our dreams of travelling and being together. Going on a romantic getaway together. It was mixed signals. Giving me something that I shouldn’t get used to, seeing the end and the start and teaching me to gamble and saying we’d win. So I went all in and now I’m in this dream alone,

The situation just became so much tougher than us. I know I said I wouldn’t cry about it but I guess I am. Just because I knew there was going to be an end, doesn’t mean I don’t still feel his arms around me. His gentle touch and his soft voice haunts my thoughts and I can’t get them out of my mind.

I’m trying to act all tough and say its a game and I can’t be smoted. I’m a little broken, I’m a little shattered and I’m a lot sad.

So many emotions.

Come back to me – Day 9

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I’m not admin, I’m a human being. I wasn’t admin when you were coming in my mouth, now I’m clingy because I want to spend time with you before I leave? I was there with you when things were hard and then you went off to New York, you came back, something happened while you were away. When you came back I wasn’t with you in that space, you shut me out and you didn’t let me be there with you. You shut us all out. I wanted to be next to you, feel with you, if it was something you had to do alone – I wanted to be there still so that you knew when you come out from underneath it all, I would still be waiting.

Now I realise, I was convenient.

I came into your life when we both needed healing. You came alive, you were with me every day and you were hanging out with friends again. You came out of that dark room that you buried yourself in for two years. You were back and everyone welcomed you with open arms and everyone was so happy to have you back and I was ecstatic about us meeting. It was all so beautiful.

I know you want to be here with us, you were happy and you were free again. Playing with your dogs and going for walks, cooking meals together and sharing our dreams. You were happy there. What changed in New York? Did you come back and realise we weren’t good enough, that you in fact didn’t want to be with us?

You came back and all of a sudden you isolated yourself again. Yes you are busy. We know you so busy making money out there and making a name for yourself. Your scheduled is packed and there isn’t a slot for us. You’re back there again and there isn’t space for us.

I know in the beginning it was real, but when things became too real, you backed out. Now its about convenience for you. Now you’re busy packing your things and getting ready for your new life, wrapping up things on this side and there is no time left for the rest of us. No time for me, and no time for your friends. It’s not convenient right now, you don’t need us right now. You have your new dream and your new life now.

My boss and my bestie – Day 7

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My bosses husband was in a car accident.

I heard on Friday, I also heard on Friday that she has bad mouthed me and twisted the whole story about my resignation. Everyone is speaking about it. I am the villain again. Rumours going around every where.

I called her this morning, and we spent the afternoon together in the studio. We spoke and we patched things up, we both agreed that we completely merged work and friendship and we should have handled this in a better manner. I am going to help her this week just to keep the ball rolling, until Friday when the business closes for the holidays.

Our friendship is special, I will never deny it.

I enjoyed being in the studio with her again, working with all the factory staff again and seeing James.

I get lost in you – Day 6

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I saw him, he was at Christmas yesterday and we hardly spoke even. We spent the night in the same bed and didn’t speak and didn’t even kiss. We know it’s over, there is nothing to say. We lay staring into each others eyes this morning, kissing softly.

If all works out with the Kibbutz, I will be leaving first. On 30th of April it is my best friends’s wedding and he will be there. That is when we will see each other again.

He told me to visit him in New York – do I hold onto this hope that we will be.

Regardless.

We made each other feel hope again.

We made each other feel whole again.

Divorce Party – Day 24

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Look at my spectacular cake hahaha

Last night was very depressing honestly that we’re celebrating the death of my marriage.

We are however celebrating that the struggle is over. The chapter has been closed. A new chapter is beginning.

A new journey, my journey.

The divorce decree has been granted – Day 22 part 2

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Amongst the bliss.

The divorce is official.

It is all over.

I feel indifferent and relieved and perhaps numb…this makes me feel guilty.

I feel light and free.

Scared, liberated, numb, alone, happy, free, guilty, heartbroken.

It’s a moment. Life is filled with moments. The chapter of my life where my husband and I lived as one was wonderful. It was one of my favourite chapters and my favourite moments. Life is filled with moments – and in every moment we feel that it is the most important of our lives and it is. The moments are real and they are fleeting and even when they are hard they are beneficial and part of the journey.

Just let go and be miserable and then let go – Day 19

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What an emotional day.

I look awful. My eyes look so dark and gloomy and miserable.

I had lunch with my mom and my sister and I got tired of being so strong and holding up a front so I just broke down. I had a glass of wine and I just broke down about my husband and work and how sad and disappointed I am with myself for struggling so much. I think the fact that work isn’t going well has struck a nerve.

Work has been my crutch – work has been my distraction and the one thing that I have focused on and done all for myself and that I have felt in control of. Now I feel that work is out of my control.

Everything is however in my control and I know that I am just engaging in so much negative self talk at the moment. Its just been one of those really rough days where you start to feel hopeless and you struggle and you cant be strong and you hold up a brave face anymore and feeling positive just seems impossible.

For the first time in a while you think about leaving and running away. You don’t want to face things, even though everything is circling in your head and all the pain and hardships are flashing before your eyes. You just want to run far away because you stumbling in such a dark place.

And in the greater scheme of things, what you going through isn’t such a big deal. Yes, it seems like a big deal now, but it actually isn’t because you learning and you growing and you becoming such a strong person. Its just really difficult to see all the upsides when you wallowing in your little pit of misery – which is totally acceptable as far as I’m concerned – but you cant get stuck there.

I was disappointed – I don’t want to be with my husband anymore, divorce was the bravest and the best decision I have ever made. I guess I just from time to time get so disappointed in him and in myself. I loved him dearly and I will never see our time together as a mistake, I however sometimes wish that it could all have been avoided – because in a way it could have.

I know its not particularly productive and its not helpful to ever reread the story – but I wish that it could have been avoided before the wedding, that we could have ended the relationship before the wedding – there was no way we could have because it was the wedding itself that brought up all the problems that my husband and I just kept burying deep. However if I listen to him and to his family there is a part of me that sometimes feels that we could have saved each other and everyone involved from so much pain.

If his family truly felt the way they did about me, I wish they had told him. My parents always said he wasn’t man enough and he wasn’t assertive and that he had a drinking problem. I married him anyone. I loved him anyway. I guess I wish his family had cried the night before our wedding in front of him and told him to his face that he was making a mistake marrying me, and I wish he stood up for me and said no and married me anyway.
When they accused me of having an affair, I wish he stood up for me and said it would never be true. Instead he asked all my friends and family because he didn’t trust me.

My husband is friends with my brother in law and he told him that if there was a chance, he would want to try again. My sister told me this and I blurted out ‘Is he fucking retarded?’. I don’t know how to feel about that response. That however was my response – I guess it was just a statement that I said out aloud that really made it official that there really is no going back. Not now, not ever.

Am I completely wasting my time here – yes I am . Am I feeling sorry for myself – yes I am. And thats ok.

I think I worked through all the turmoil – I remember my boss even saying that my work wasn’t slacking at all and that I was performing so well. My friends and family were impressed at how well I handled everything. I did hide in my eating disorder and restricted and lost weight which I have now gained back as I’ve been hiding behind binging and purging. I think everything is coming to the surface. I think everything is starting to hit me.

Its all too much, its all at once.

I need to get it all out.

I need to let go of it all.

Now that work is in such a fragile state along with my health, I guess its really hit home and brought a lot to the surface. Things that I might have been pushing away. There are many things that I haven’t felt fully because I have been so excited about Him, and now in hindsight I am so happy that he went away to New York this week – because I realise I needed it. I needed to be away from him so I could be alone for a while and deal. I don’t want my marriage to taint anything I have with him, so I am ironically so grateful that I deal with these feelings and that I don’t need him to help me, and that I don’t need him as a crutch.

What I feel for him real. Its not a two month fling. Its not a rebound. Its not a distraction. I truly am falling for this man, I truly am developing feelings for him. I think one of the biggest things that have made our relationship so special – I know that he cannot make me happy and he knows that I cannot make him happy. We can only make ourselves happy and we can only support each other and walk the road together.