Lions – Day 5

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We went to have dinner in the veld this evening and it was roaring – literally!

On our way we passed this guy (photographed above) and his brother – and little did we know that e would meet again…

We started the fire, put out our camping chairs and the gin and tonics were flowing. Its our last night here so we all left the lodge for a little quiet time.

Laughing and chatting – the elephants were drinking at the water merely 15metres away from us and the sun was setting. It was picturesque.

Then there was a roar.

My dad and his friend concluded that the raw was still miles away and we had at least 30 minutes or so until they even near us. So we continued dipping the most fantastic freshly baked bread into olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Laughing and joking about how the lions were close and we might land up just eating the bread in the car. So we put the meat on the fire, lamb chops and chicken kebabs and we pour more drinks.

Then there was a roar.

‘Ok, no, I’m getting into the car – that thing is close’ I said shaking my head and picked up my drink.

‘I’m coming with you’ my mom said hurriedly and followed me while the rest were laughing.

Not a minute later and the other three were in the car with us and the roars got louder and louder. We drove around a little – meat still on the fire – and stumbled across the two male lions that were wandering around, probably a mere kilometre from our dinner.

Do you know that any chair can be a rocking chair if you have anxiety- Day 13

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A has been in the strangest mood ever – like the kind of mood where he is difficult and cant make up his mind and wants me to make decisions for him. Then I make the decision and he doesn’t like anything I have to say. Naturally little Danielle over here becomes an anxious wreck.

Whats going on in his mind?

Did I do something to make him act this way?

Is he ok? Am I ok?

And this goes on until I drive myself crazy.

We were having brunch and spent about an hour arguing about we were going to do next…

Now we’re going home to watch cricket, lay on the couch and drink vodka cranberries and hopefully this will make us both relax a little…

I have my own business – Day 17

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I still cant get used to saying that!

Maybe because I am making no money or because its still all so surreal and I do feel as if I am just playing the fool.

Our collection is coming along slowly but surely and I’ve made a range of jackets that my mom is going to try sell which will be great.

I am scared I will admit. Scared of failing and possibly even more afraid of succeeding.

Struggling – Day 12

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I’m really struggling at work.

I think I was a little in over my head when I took the job. The woman that was in the position before me was working at the company for 15 years. I’ve only been working for 3 years.

I’m not meeting the deadlines. I’m working too slowly and I am clearly not experienced enough for this job. It’s fast paced and I’m struggling to keep up.

I just feel disappointed in myself…and it makes me sad and I just want to cry every time I think about it.

It makes me feel like a failure.

Set up camp 

  

 

Walked from Tiberius to Kinneret. Camping next to the Jordan river for the night. This is where Jesus was baptized – just in case. Feeling much more optimistic and courageous than yesterday and this morning. 

Took forever, but managed to set up my tent. Made myself dinner and tea. Spilled my tea all over my sleeping bag so I shall be using my towel as a blanket tonight – lord have mercy! And it’s cold. And there are loud noises – jackals. And screeching birds. And every time a twig moves I get the fright of my life. 

I have bruised my lower back because for some reason on my backpack, there is something hurting me and I can’t figure out what or what to do about it! 

I’m fucking horrified. Horrified. Just horrified.  

The boy from Canada gave me a flick knife. And I hold it constantly. Like what am I going to do – stab a jackal or human? I mean come on…

Ironically I am petrified yet having a whale of a time and feeling incredibly liberated and like I could take on the world. 

My nephew is my guardian Angel – Day 17, 18, 19

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Christmas is my favourite time of year, the family, the love and the festivities.

Christmas and boxing day and the 27th of December I spent most of my time sleeping.  I was feeling so lethargic. I tried to write, I tried to read, I tried to spend time with my family and it all seemed like a struggle.

Christmas morning, I struggled to get out of bed. It was only until I saw my nephew that the fog lifted slightly. His excitement for the presents, his hugs and his laughter. We sat opening all his presents together and I helped him get into his spider man suit that my mom bought him for Christmas.

The way he spontaneously says ‘I love you’

I don’t know why and I don’t know how or what. Maybe it was because Christmas last year was awful. Maybe its the memories of being asked for an annulment 5 days after my wedding. Perhaps its feeling that my childhood had ended, because I was now married and I felt that I lost a part of myself. And how my ex husband told me I wasn’t a wife and I wasn’t ready for marriage, that our marriage was a mistake?

I don’t know. It was hard these past three days.

Despite my magical family, the most wonderful and loving people in the worlds, I couldn’t lift that fog. If it wasn’t for my beautiful nephew I don’t know how I would actually had made it through. Thank you, I love you.

This is the saddest vanilla that I’ve ever tasted – Day 14

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My heart is here freezing, as my tears fill my bowl and I’m finally tasting alone. Sat at an ice cream parlour and you broke my heart, now I’m tasting the saddest vanilla.

You’re such a swamp, but you’re all I want.

I miss him.

I feel scared and anxious for the future. Trying to be peace at where I am at this moment. Be free in the learning and be free here and now in this moment. I have no direction and I have no where I’m heading and I guess I am lost. But I am me and that is enough for now.

I will be found and I’m not faking it anymore. I don’t know what or who or when or how. I don’t know what I want from this life. And thats ok for now.

I’m ok.

There’s a bright white beautiful heaven hanging over me.