I went looking for myself in the wild – Day 11

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I had to go to Israel because I had to do it for me. The woman as well as the little girl inside me needed to go. I needed to get away from the hurt and the pain that was haunting me. I needed to be alone and to fend for myself and fight for myself and be wild and free. I needed to make a new identity and I needed to be free to be who ever the hell I wanted to be and I had to start again.

Ironically who I needed to be was me, I didn’t even change and I didn’t even try to start over. Through the mountains and the waterfalls and the desert it was still me. It was still Danielle with her past and her fears and her dreams and I didn’t pretend to be anyone else.

I had to go because I had to find myself.

Little did I know that I had been with myself all this time. I knew and I know who I am. Maybe tiny fragments got lost and pieces fell away and there were new facets to my being that were growing. But I was still myself during it all.

That is why I had to go. Because I would never have learned that it had been me all along.

I would never have realised that I was in fact the strong woman that left an abusive marriage and I would never have recognised the compassion and the hope I have for people. Things like love and family wouldn’t have become my everything, the need to be a mother would never have made itself so apparent had I not run far far away from it all. My relationships have been strengthened and I feel the beauty of nature on my skin every day now and the sparkles in animals eyes.

There is a fire burning in my heart now. A fire so strong that it will never be put out. Perhaps that is why I had to be stripped bare and thrown into the wild. Perhaps I needed to learn my own strength. Only once I was forced to question every corner of my existence, my morals and my choices, and only when I was threatened with unbearable pain and abandonment would my true fire start to burn.

Perhaps that is why it all happened and that is why I had to leave the city that I was born in and I had to run far away and grow on my own.

Now its all in the past and theres a fire burning in my heart and my soul. Now all that remains are those memories that I left on the top of a mountain in the Golan Heights in Israel while looking over the beautiful landscapes of Syria. Thats where I left it all, in the calm of the valleys when hiking along the Jordan river.

All there is left to do now is freely be myself no matter how much that girl was judged and tortured, in the end, she is all I have.

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This is the saddest vanilla that I’ve ever tasted – Day 14

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My heart is here freezing, as my tears fill my bowl and I’m finally tasting alone. Sat at an ice cream parlour and you broke my heart, now I’m tasting the saddest vanilla.

You’re such a swamp, but you’re all I want.

I miss him.

I feel scared and anxious for the future. Trying to be peace at where I am at this moment. Be free in the learning and be free here and now in this moment. I have no direction and I have no where I’m heading and I guess I am lost. But I am me and that is enough for now.

I will be found and I’m not faking it anymore. I don’t know what or who or when or how. I don’t know what I want from this life. And thats ok for now.

I’m ok.

There’s a bright white beautiful heaven hanging over me.