My relationships, work, my future, the world – its all more important now and its what matters.
There was a time where what I ate and how much I worked out ruled above everything. feeding my eating disorder was more important than spending time with my loved ones and more important than the creative work I produce.
When I thought about who I was – the only thought that came to mind was fat. And my goal was thin. It breaks my heart to think that for so many years I found being thin more important than everything else in my life.
Eating – CHECK
Gym – CHECK
Not being too hard on myself – CHECK
Balance – CHECK
My heart is here freezing, as my tears fill my bowl and I’m finally tasting alone. Sat at an ice cream parlour and you broke my heart, now I’m tasting the saddest vanilla.
You’re such a swamp, but you’re all I want.
I miss him.
I feel scared and anxious for the future. Trying to be peace at where I am at this moment. Be free in the learning and be free here and now in this moment. I have no direction and I have no where I’m heading and I guess I am lost. But I am me and that is enough for now.
I will be found and I’m not faking it anymore. I don’t know what or who or when or how. I don’t know what I want from this life. And thats ok for now.
There’s a bright white beautiful heaven hanging over me.
Ok this morning, decided, done deal, I am going to the kibbutz for January and February next year and I send all my details in. Excited, liberated, scared and hopeful. This is what I am doing.
I am doing this for me, I am not doing this for anyone else. I have realised that He is not going to ask me to be his girlfriend, he is not going to ask me to New York and it is actually quite clear that he is not ready for this relationship. He has made it so clear, but because I am so dazzled by him I always focus on the moment when I am with him and I present and it is wonderful so I get swept up and I forget about myself and that I am falling down a well.
Ok so decided.
Hello future, lets do this, hop a plane.
Its 01h00 and I just got home from the most magical date. Yup. Danielle has gone and put herself first and said ‘fuck it’ and decided to just forget about relationships and just explore and live. Which typically, ignorantly I should actually have known this would happen because it always does. The minute I decide to make a massive change just for me and I am confident and I forget about everything and everyone and I am just content with everything. IT CHANGES!
Sitting on the floor in the book store waiting to hear where I should meet him, he came in and we hugged and it was over. From there it was downhill. We laughed until our stomachs hurt, we ran through the mall, we played in an arcade, I hid away from him and he found me. We had milkshake (when last did you have a milkshake) and we had dinner, we kissed at the fountain, we pretended we had been married for 50 years, he told me my eyes sparkled, literally sparkled and I was pretty, we kissed in the restaurant and he said he liked the taste of my skin. We didn’t place orders for our food, we asked the waiter to simply surprise us. It was an adventure.
His name is Rick and I am going to dinner with him on Wednesday again.
I am so shocked.
I am so confused.
I am stuck in a pickle.