I randomly thought about cutting today. For the first time in months the thought self harming. There was no trigger and there was no urge, it was just a thought and it was an attractive thought.
The thing is that I’m 26 years old and cutting seems childish? Its as if society has labeled cutting as a form of self harm that is associated with teenagers, but its definitely a form of self harm that is favoured among adults as well.
The last time I cut was in March when I was in Israel and I was going through such a rough time. I cut myself twice on my left thigh and I’m still bearing the scars and I’ll admit that I do feel slightly self conscious about them.
But yesterday I thought about cutting myself on that same left thigh. I though about the way the blade would slash thin lines across my skin and it would sting the blood would slowly start to appear, in the form of little droplets along the cut lines.
I am sad to admit, but it seems so appealing.
I woke up nostalgic and fragile and sad.
Yesterday was my last day of work, 3 years and its an end of an era, it was bitter sweet. Saying good bye to your colleagues and your comfort zone and embarking on a journey that you have absolutely no idea where it will take you or where you will land up.
Sitting on my single bed, 112 days ago, I lay in this bed alone. For the first time in four years I was going to sleep in a house that I shared with no one but myself. No one but myself to take responsibility for and no one to answer to and no structure.
Embarking on a journey that I had no idea about. Dealing with a divorce and the eating disorder, cutting for the first time in 6 years. ingle and feeling alone but liberated and free. The world in my grasp, right in front of me.
I made it.
This year I went back to the city a wife. I cried and I cried and I hid away and I was isolated from the people I love. I grew cold and distant. Lost all my confidence. I had no hope and I was scared, scared of myself, scared of my husband, scared of the past and scared of the future.
I’m ending this year and going home to family today, my loved ones who came in and lifted me like a cavalry out of this mess and carried me through.
Today is bitter sweet.
My dreams were crushed, my innocence and naivety lost and life revealed itself to be a dark cloud. Plans turned upside down and I realised that life is fleeting.
Never looking back.
Tomorrow will be my 1 year wedding anniversary. It will be tough and I know that. But I am never looking back, I remember every detail of that day and this year has been painful. But I am content with where I am now. I could be that scared girl I was in May, hiding away from the world, but instead I am me.