Its been a year since I’ve been living alone and the separation and so on.
Only now am I starting to feel like myself again.
I feel as if I have completely moved on and let go of the past. I’m starting to fall in love with myself again and respect and nurture myself.
And I’m focusing on my career and my dreams again.
It’s all coming together.
So this weekend is my friends wedding and my arms look like giant sausages. And I just have to shrug it off. Because despite the way I feel – I’m still going to the wedding and my arms will be seen and they will look massive so I might as well just accept it and get over it because the alternative is to sit hating myself all night. And no way in hell am I going to miss out on another fun occasion because I hate my body.
So I’m going to rock that dress and rock these arms.
It’s really tough when for as long as you can remember, you have placed all your self worth on your body. If you aren’t thin then you aren’t worthy; but you aren’t worthy so you will never be thin enough anyway.
I feel like a stranger in my own skin, when I am at the gym I often want to stop mid workout because I get repulsed by my body.
I have studied my body extensively over the past ten years that I know exactly what it looks like at all times. I am painfully aware of the amount of space I take up and the way my thighs look when I sit, the way my arms look and the way my tummy looks when I sit or stand. Now I am confused. I don’t recognise the person in the mirror, when I look down, the size of my thighs upset me and the curve of my bum makes me shudder.
But we have to keep on moving on and on…
I have to keep on loving myself no matter how challenging it may get.
This is me in this body, in this shell that I call my home. I love it now and I love it then and I will love it forever, it’s really all I have and I have to cherish it and care for it. No matter how difficult it seems.
I wake up next to him and its magic, we make breakfast and we laugh.
Something washed over me. I feel anxious and scared, shaking non stop, my jaw is tingling and it’s as if my blood vessels are even scared.
Binge on swiss roll and ice cream.
I go home and I sleep for about an hour. Cold shower. I go to sleep again tiredness that never ends with sleep.
Binge on ice cream and chocolate mousse.
Binge on McDonalds.
Spoke to my mum. I feel I have no direction. I feel numb and I feel hollow.
I think relationships are a huge trigger for me.
I had dinner with Andrew and his family.
We were going to be friends with benefits. I have dinner with his family and his friends. I sleep over at his house and we don’t have sex. He gets nervous when we make love. He listens when I speak about my friends. He tells me to bring my pretty self over for dinner. We go to movies. We see each other every day.
My ex husband messaged this morning that he is sorry and emailed this…
Please forgive me for the mistakes I’ve made.
I can now see how depressed you were because you used to talk about the past a lot before you left, and you were also anxious about the future because you thought I would abandon you for my work etc. I for my part just drowned out both my depression and anxiety and when I wasn’t doing that I was also stuck in the past and worried about our future together. My hope for you is that you enjoy the present (it seems like you are) and that you have wonderful experiences without feeling depressed or anxious. It’s been really tough acknowledging to myself just how depressed and anxious I was, and it’s easier said than done living in the present. I try really hard to focus on the present but my mind often wonders to he past and this makes me anxious.
My love for you is pure and sincere -I know it may seem irrational to some but I want to know that I support you and your dreams. I don’t want you to get hurt but at the same time I realise that getting hurt is part of learning. I don’t want to let you go and yet I realise that letting you go is the only way I will heal.
Please feel these words: if you don’t feel good when you read them please read them over and over and over until you do.
You are a stunning person Danielle. Your friends and family adore you, and your warmth makes everyone around you feel joy. You are incredibly gifted, both intellectually and creatively. You radiate amazing beauty. There is simply nobody in this world like you. If I was religious I would have believed that you were chosen.
Danielle you are the closest thing to happiness that I’ve ever experienced in my life. Not as a respite from the pain, but rather as someone who has the unique ability to soothe me into the moment. Like me you are grappling with who you are, and we will both heal. Healing will take away the depression and anxiety we both felt while while we were together. You were my best friend and losing you has been extraordinarily painful and sad. Still, I know that I am not able to help you on this part of your journey to your authentic self. This is why I will feel the pain and sadness. I want you to be as happy as you make other people happy. You deserve this more than anyone else.
Your authentic self is, in my humble and naive opinion, love and joy.
‘Lets go for a walk’ he said.
‘Ok, do wanna go for a run or a walk, should I put sneakers on?’ I asked.
‘Doesn’t matter, just come’
‘Okay…’ I said awkwardly
We walked down the road and he seemed anxious, I just shrugged it off and I keep walking down the road, holding his hand and chattering on about nothing in particular. He pulled me to the right and we headed towards the dam. The very empty dam where my brother and sister and I played as kids. I stood looking around at the trash on the ground, the bottle tops, shards of glass and old wrappers polluting the area.
‘Danielle, I love you, you are my world and I never ever want to be without you’ he said out of the blue, pulling me closer.
‘I love you’ I said and I smile.
‘Oh my God! What are you doing?’ I exclaimed as he started lowering himself onto one knee.
‘Will you be my wife?’
Naturally I burst into tears, we held each other kissing, our salty tears sliding down our cheeks.
Two years ago.
New years eve.
Tonight I stood in the kitchen in my parents house. My mum holding me in my arms telling me that she is proud of me, that I am going to thrive. The sadness will linger for long and the healing will take time, but I will heal. Tears running down my cheeks, I’m dry heaving from the emotion. I feel nothing yet I feel everything. Eyes blood shot from the crying and I’m exhausted.
But its over. It will linger and the pain will walk with me for a while still.
But I will be found.
My heart is here freezing, as my tears fill my bowl and I’m finally tasting alone. Sat at an ice cream parlour and you broke my heart, now I’m tasting the saddest vanilla.
You’re such a swamp, but you’re all I want.
I miss him.
I feel scared and anxious for the future. Trying to be peace at where I am at this moment. Be free in the learning and be free here and now in this moment. I have no direction and I have no where I’m heading and I guess I am lost. But I am me and that is enough for now.
I will be found and I’m not faking it anymore. I don’t know what or who or when or how. I don’t know what I want from this life. And thats ok for now.
There’s a bright white beautiful heaven hanging over me.
I woke up nostalgic and fragile and sad.
Yesterday was my last day of work, 3 years and its an end of an era, it was bitter sweet. Saying good bye to your colleagues and your comfort zone and embarking on a journey that you have absolutely no idea where it will take you or where you will land up.
Sitting on my single bed, 112 days ago, I lay in this bed alone. For the first time in four years I was going to sleep in a house that I shared with no one but myself. No one but myself to take responsibility for and no one to answer to and no structure.
Embarking on a journey that I had no idea about. Dealing with a divorce and the eating disorder, cutting for the first time in 6 years. ingle and feeling alone but liberated and free. The world in my grasp, right in front of me.
I made it.
This year I went back to the city a wife. I cried and I cried and I hid away and I was isolated from the people I love. I grew cold and distant. Lost all my confidence. I had no hope and I was scared, scared of myself, scared of my husband, scared of the past and scared of the future.
I’m ending this year and going home to family today, my loved ones who came in and lifted me like a cavalry out of this mess and carried me through.
Today is bitter sweet.
My dreams were crushed, my innocence and naivety lost and life revealed itself to be a dark cloud. Plans turned upside down and I realised that life is fleeting.
Never looking back.
Tomorrow will be my 1 year wedding anniversary. It will be tough and I know that. But I am never looking back, I remember every detail of that day and this year has been painful. But I am content with where I am now. I could be that scared girl I was in May, hiding away from the world, but instead I am me.
I have sent everything to the Kibbutz! I should know in a few days if I am accepted. If I am I will be leaving 28 December already! I am so nervous and excited and scared.
Fingers crossed that I get to go!
Conversation I have with most people:
‘Are you sure you want to go to a Kibbutz?’
Me – ‘Yes I’m sure’
‘So you really going?’
Me – ‘Yes’
‘Are you serious?’
Me – ‘Yes, why does no one believe me!’
If I stay here, trouble will find me,
if I stay here, I will never leave.
I will always think of you,
I will always call you my home.