Mexican Fiesta – Day 18

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Landed up cancelling dinner plans and A and I had a little Mexican fiesta by ourselves at home and got to bed by 9 🙂 was perfect. We made quesidellas with all the yummy salsa, sour cream and guacamole 🙂

In other news I think I have a Urinary Tract Infection? Oh my god the level of the stomach aches I was dealing with today are insane. Lower abdomen pain and I need to pee all the time – at least I feel I do.

I knew all this sex was going to catch up to us eventually!

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Special – Day 14

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What makes everything so special with A is the immense amount of trust I feel when I am with him. The way he makes me feel so safe, as if no harm will ever come near me when I am with him. It was already 2 months ago that we tried for the first time and after having a few cocktails, going down on him in the car on our way home, it felt like it was time to try again.

It was magical. It was special, he was so kind and gentle and loving, even more than our first time. We kissed slowly, he put music on and undressed me slowly, staring into each others eyes all the while. It was tight and slow and erotic but so romantic at the same time. We smiled at each other every so often, he kissed my forehead, we held hands and he whispered ‘you’re so special’ and he asked if I was ok. We looked deeply into each others eyes, I squeezed his hands and he kissed my back softly when he finished inside me. He is so special and magical and I never want to leave his side.

Spontaneous – Day 12

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I love those Friday nights that are unplanned and turn out to be so lovely. I had drinks with family and by the time I left for A’s house, I was a bit boozed and all I wanted was to make love to him. I got to his house and it was magical, we smoked a joint in the car, went for all you can eat sushi, had gin and tonic and slept soundly in each others arms.

Cant wait for 13:20 – Day 9

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A arrives at the airport at 13:20 and I cannot wait!

I am so excited to see him I can hardly contain myself – we’ve been sending dirty texts for like the past three days already lol. And we are so glad this break is over – we are never going away without each other again! It was the absolute worst.

So excited I can hardly contain myself!

I never wanted to be sexy – Day 9

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I’m so incredibly curvy at the moment that when I look at my boobs and butt, I get a little turned on even…thats how sexy I’ve become. A loves it obviously and there is a part of me does too.

But I’ve never wanted to be sexy.

I wanted to be tiny and cute and skinny.

I want clothes to hang off my bones, my want my pants to float around my hip bones and I want my waist to be so tiny, I want my ribs to stick out and I want to count them.

I want to be fragile and waif like, floating… delicate.

I want to be held and I want him to run his fingers across my bones, I want him to be so gentle because I might break.

Now he looks at me and thinks I’m so sexy and strong and confident. He loves every curve and stares at me when I’m wearing a low cut top, he touches me all the time and he can’t keep his eyes off my body.

Which is better…which is beautiful. Because I am a woman. And that is beautiful and that is powerful.

But the illness in me still wants to be a weak and fragile fairy like creature…

There is only one thing to do when you feeling this way and that is to write – Day 14

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Yesterday afternoon A and I took the plunge. We’ve been discussing it for months but I’ve always been nervous and I wanted to be ready and take it slow…

We had a few vodka cranberries, chatted about life, kissed playfully and giggled. Made love on the couch – it was incredible. It was so intimate. Later we found ourselves upstairs in bed and he asked if we should try and I said yes. It was painful but he was so gentle, he was so loving and soft and made sure I was ok and comfortable at all times and he made sure that I felt completely in control. He liked it, said it felt different, really good but different. And I liked it, it was sore, but like a good kind of sore, but every time I started to enjoy I would be reminded that is was slightly painful, even though a good kind of painful.

I asked him to stop, and we could try again later because it was really just so incredibly overwhelming. Because I don’t think I have ever trusted anyone as much as I trusted A in that moment. I never even trusted my ex husband like that. The trust and the connection I felt last night was so powerful – I know he obviously felt connected to me as well, but I think for a man, the physical experience overrides everything else?

Afterwards I felt so raw and emotional, we lay in each others arms kissing and he said ‘how did I get so lucky?’ and I replied with the same. ‘I’m really just the luckiest to have you, you’re so special’ he said. And I smiled and closed my eyes on his chest.

I guess I’m just surprised at the emotional effect this has had on me. In a way I feel like a changed woman, like a whole new reality has been revealed to me and that mine and A’s relationship will definitely be different from here on out. Not a huge difference, but a slight difference. Because its as if letting go completely – for possibly the first time in my life – has shown so much trust and love for him. I felt so vulnerable and safe and close to him. The connection was like something we had never experienced before.

I guess I’m scared and I’m anxious because I feel so out of control around him – so natural and organic – and that is a foreign territory for me. I have fallen so in love, with no safety net and it’s the most frightening experience.

I feel so incredibly vulnerable and emotional now.