I think I would have died by accident – Day 17

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Yesterday I was feeling ill and I felt the flu coming on but today it has hit me like a ton of bricks!

I felt so sick, shaking and my body sore and the highest temperature imaginable that I even started crying and then A decided that was it. And we decided to come home. We were only meant to leave tomorrow. But I felt so ill and he wasn’t feeling great so we came home and went to sleep at 6pm.

And A took such great care of me, running me a bath and making me tea and sandwiches. I love him so much

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You are never “recovered” from an eating disorder, always in the eternal participial purgatory of “recovering” – Day 2

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Work went much better today.

My relationship with food and my body however is slipping. I found myself in front of the mirror this morning bending over trying to see the ribs on my back – which are hardly visible anymore. I say I found myself in front of the mirror because you slip into these habits so instantly that you are on autopilot and all of a sudden you realise what you are actually doing.

I miss my ribs and I miss my protruding hip bones and I miss my slimmer thighs. The sad part her however is that when I am at my thinnest I still need to be thinner and I am still not happy with my body. I keep trying to remind myself that I have to love myself, my body is just a shell and no matter what my shell looks like it actually does not affect my love for myself, its all on the inside. I need to love the inside.

Working on it one day at a time.

I haven’t spoken to him since Monday and this makes me sad I will admit.

I had a good day until lunch and then afterwards I had a slab of chocolate – there I go, labelling the day as bad. I will skip dinner now. Or I can force myself to have dinner and be calm and kind. Skipping dinner is easier, listening to ed is easier today.

Fragile State – Day 18

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So I’m at home with my parents.

This morning, I woke up feeling awful. I went to bed at 6pm last night and I woke up at about 7pm feeling so depressed and exhausted. Oh my god.

I literally couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed. Literally. When people speak about depression and how difficult it is to get out of bed – that was me this morning.

These things that haunt me, sometimes I just lay in bed and I think to myself ‘what’s wrong with you mind’. I used to be so strong and stable and now I feel like I have fallen from grace and its like demons have dimmed the luminous light that once shined from my eyes. It comes in waves. Some days I wake and I think that this blackness wont last forever, that I will find way through it all. Some days I wake up in this fragile state and I have to pray that I make it through the day, just the day, just this one day.

So I lay in be crying and I couldn’t get up.

So I decided to go to the doctor. I have anaemia, I have low magnesium and I am burnout. I got booked off today and tomorrow so I said ‘fuck it’ I’m going home to the farm. The fresh air and the nature and love and support. Also I need my mom to cook for me and watch my eating habits because that is why my system is so run down = yes there are the emotional aspects..divorce, work stress, depression, new relationship, my uncle is ill = but physically I need to look after my body and eat healthy. So I am going home and going to work on my health for a few days.