This is the saddest vanilla that I’ve ever tasted – Day 14

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My heart is here freezing, as my tears fill my bowl and I’m finally tasting alone. Sat at an ice cream parlour and you broke my heart, now I’m tasting the saddest vanilla.

You’re such a swamp, but you’re all I want.

I miss him.

I feel scared and anxious for the future. Trying to be peace at where I am at this moment. Be free in the learning and be free here and now in this moment. I have no direction and I have no where I’m heading and I guess I am lost. But I am me and that is enough for now.

I will be found and I’m not faking it anymore. I don’t know what or who or when or how. I don’t know what I want from this life. And thats ok for now.

I’m ok.

There’s a bright white beautiful heaven hanging over me.

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365 days ago – Day 13

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Hollow.

Numb.

365 days ago, you walking down the isle clutching onto your dad. Faces of your your closest friends and family gleaming at you with the biggest smiles. You’re on top of the world and you can’t wait to stand next to the man of your dreams, your soul mate, the person you have chased to be your best friend and in minutes you’ll be his wife.
Only getting to the alter, look to your right, and you read your soon to be husbands face. You have been in love for years, you have a form of telepathy by now and the expression on his face tells a thousand words.
Whispering ‘are you ok?’
He says “you look beautiful’ in a stern whisper.
The priest starts the ceremony and you marrying a blank face.
Reception dinner, everyone is laughing and dancing and drinking and you’re crying under a tree because since you said those words ‘I do’, you have been told by your husband that you are not a wife, you are a child, you weren’t ready to be married and you are now attention seeking and hogging the lime light. All at your own wedding.

The day you have been dreaming about.

The man you love.

The future you had envisioned.

It all comes crashing down with everything line that he has thrown at you and you crumbling with every tear, wishing you could run and cry and be held, but you too afraid to speak to anyone because he will throw more and more lines at you.

I held my heart in my hands and I listened to it – Day 2

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Binge and purge on four bowls of granola this morning – I love granola! So awful start, also skipped gym. Got to work and wasn’t feeling particularly motivated but I gave myself a stern talking to because I really to start getting inspired and excited about work again.

Naturally skipped all my meals for the rest of the day and this evening I sat and I did eating disorder therapy homework and it was incredible. It was hard at times and there are many interesting observations I made. I am quite clearly still harbouring a lot of anger towards my ex husband (I wonder when it will become ex husband, things are really taking their time)

I also have many issues with not being good enough.

Interesting observation, is that I have a fear of growing up, I think many of us with eating disorders do. I think its perhaps because I am the youngest, I am the baby of the family, it just happened so. I am always being protected and everyone is constantly looking out for me and worrying about me, I am the baby. This is all good and well but I feel that I have this fear because I am scared to fail and also because my husband always called me a child – its engraved in my mind that I am a child.

Somehow I feel that my growth keeps getting stunted somehow. My family really wants me to grow of course, but I am still the baby in their eyes. The one that needs to be looked after (I cant exactly blame them for feeling this way as I have for some reason my whole life always found myself in some kind of emotional turmoil). As a child, my brother and sister used to call me the tap – because I cried all the time, I was literally like a tap that you could switch on and off. I was so incredibly sensitive. I went to boarding school as well and there I had my brother and sister look out for me.

When I was about 14 I often used to burst into tears because I didn’t know what was wrong, I didn’t know what I was feeling. I would cry because I was scared that I would never amount to anything and I would cry because I didn’t feel like I fitted in anywhere or that I couldn’t relate to anyone.

Because I went to boarding at the age of six, I was never taught how to deal with emotion and I never witnessed a lot of emotion in my family as I only saw them on every third weekend and then during the holiday. When we got together it was all about celebrations and being together – if there was something that I was upset about I would just sweep it under the rug because I wanted to enjoy my time with my family. Only when I was nineteen and all my drama came out did I actually connect with my family on a more emotional level. Only then did I become open with them.

Anyway, growing up scares me because I feel in a way that no one is allowing me to. The fact that I don’t earn much money makes me feel awful because my mum still gives me money – I feel like I cant make it a month without her help. Also the fact that I now live on my uncles property. The fact that I don’t feel that I am growing at work anymore.

I really don’t feel like I am growing. The fact that I took the risk of getting divorced and putting so much work into healing and into my personal growth has really made me look at every aspect in my life in a completely different way. If it isn’t feeding my soul anymore then why am I still doing it?

At work I am starting to feel that the only reason I am still in my job is because of my boss. Because I love her and I am so loyal to the business and we have become such incredible friends. I don’t feel like I am challenged at work or motivated or growing. I am doing this for her, for her business and because I don’t want the brand to fail, I want the brand to thrive. However, I am no longer thriving?

This really is the year of me. For the first time in my life I am putting myself first and doing whats good for me and taking responsibility for myself.

I think this is one of the reasons why I fell for him so quickly – because I just said ‘fuck it, I want to kiss you so I am going to kiss you’, I didn’t lie worrying about how it would affect me later, I didn’t think about my husband, I didn’t think about the fact that I am still technically married. It just felt right and I just followed my heart and I took a risk and it has been amazing.

I thought I could never pull out from under my husbands stare. Well I did. I held my heart in my hands and I said ‘fuck it’. I’m taking your word and I’m listening to it, and as real as the blood pumping through the veins in my heart – that is how real this year has been. That is how real things become when you listen to your heart and you risk everything for your heart.

I fear I’ll die from complications – complications from the things that I have left undone.

Don’t let your struggle become your identity – Day 14

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So as yesterday progressed it actually just got worse. I came home early because I was feeling ill and I took a nap and then I woke up anxious. I landed up eating 3 bowls of muesli and yogurt. I just sat crying and binging but I didn’t purge. I was crying because I felt like such a failure, the fact that my bulimia is acting up again. The fact that I am back here. 6 years ago I fought so hard to beat this and now I am back here. I hadn’t binged and purged in 4 months and then it slowly starting creeping back up. Fuck off.

The ironic thing is that I have been engrossed in my eating disorder all this time, since February. Just because I didn’t binge and purge for a good while doesn’t mean it wasn’t there. I was restricting and I was over exercising and I was weighing myself. Its just that I waver between the anorexic tendencies and the bulimic tendencies and I flit between the two and when I am in the restricting phase I am at my happiest because then I feel proud of myself and I feel in control.

Last night I binged – I hardly ever purge anymore because I am too scared – so I am gaining weight, and thats just a whole other issue it itself. I binged on yogurt and granola because I am at that point now where anything will do. I literally sat over a bowl binging and crying – in hindsight I was probably eating my tears as well. Such a mess.

Then he called and I didn’t answer because how on earth was I going to answer a his call crying and binging and wallowing in a pit. So I called him back a few moments later and he knew something was up and so he came over and her held me and it was wonderful. He knows about the disorder but I am not sure if he understands it and understands all that it entails. Still he was so very supportive and basically told me to stop being so hard on myself – I need to be more gentle on my myself. It was so warm and safe lying in his arms. I wanted to open up even more about my eating disorder but I was ashamed. When I am in the binge and purge cycle I get so ashamed of myself. Bulimia really isn’t the most attractive illness to have – its fucking disgusting actually. So How do you just blurt that out to someone 😦 without having the fear that they will judge you – especially when you have been judged. Yet it is incredibly unfair on anyone for me to think that, because everyone has their own views and I know that I need to give people a chance instead of just assuming that they won’t understand.

Back in April after trying to pluck up the courage for 2 months – when I told my husband that my eating disorder had returned he was so lovely and supportive. About a month later however when I started to get really bad anxiety and I really started to struggle he told me he couldn’t believe I was dumping this (my eating disorder and depression) on him. He was busy with his phd and that was all he could focus on and then I went and dumped my relapse on him?

When I told my parents about the relapse and that I was on medication and in therapy it was already June. The first thing my mom said, was why didn’t he tell us and why didn’t he reach out and ask for support. Well because he thought I was self absorbed and vain and attention seeking. So I went to therapy alone and did recovery on my own. I once asked him to help me with a workbook (hope,help and healing for eating disorders by Gregory Jantz – I highly recommend it), because they suggest you do it will someone that can be on your side – he however blatantly said no and had a strange giggle when saying it too.

This is part of why I am so scared to open up to people about my eating disorder and also because I am so ashamed of myself when I am stuck in this phase of this disorder. Like I mentioned before – when I am restricting I am so much better. Today I have eaten rally well and I had an apple only for lunch and an orange for snack and I was in a great mood because not eating is good, and eating is bad. That is how my day works – how much food I consumed. I honestly wish the day would come where I just ate intuitively and there was no panic and anxiety around food.

I want to go to a restaurant and see something that I like and order it, no matter how unhealthily it is and no matter how many calories it is. Now instead I am known as the one that always takes long to decide what to eat at a restaurant all because I am deciphering every single dish and deciding whether I am allowed to eat it or not.

This is exhausting.

Going out with friends tonight which I am looking forward to and then hopefully we’ll see him for dinner afterwards.