Now A’s whole family has seen all my tats – they seem fine with them – shocked and very surprised but they seem ok. I’m terrified though, obviously they think of me slightly different. Now imagine how my anxiety has completely spiraled out of control worrying about their reaction when they find out divorced or had an eating disorder and depression. I really love them and they like me – but they have absolutely no idea about my past and details about me. They think I’m sweet and innocent and come from a lovely family and I’m sweet and kind and all those lovely things – which I am of course, but I’m a lot more. – imagine the shock and suprise then…naturally I’m scared they don’t like me anymore and they don’t think I’m good enough.
Also a family friend of theirs thats an asshole was at dinner last night. Literally wouldn’t start asking me about tattoos all through dinner and making comments.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my tattoos.
However, I find myself becoming incredibly insecure about the tattoo on my arm because it is so visible and I have seen some not so positive reactions from friends and family about it. I find myself trying my best to hide it lately.
I know I shouldn’t care because if I like it then that is all that matters. But I cant help shame spiralling and feeling ashamed and wanting it gone.
I don’t know.
It isn’t going anywhere sooo…
I got a new tattoo…
I love it!
When I was looking at my arm before the tattoo artist began I saw the faint lines of where I used to cut my arms in my late teens and early twenties and I just smiled. How far I have come.
Because everything passes, in those moments where we feel like nothing will change and we are stuck. When the anxiety strikes and there is no way out- it will pass. When a binge and purge urge strikes it will pass. When you want to crawl out of your skin- that feeling will pass.
And when the pain and the hurt is too much – it will pass.
How could I forget.
In Istanbul I got my tattoo.
Eating disorder recovery symbol.
I love it!