Today it took me about three hours to actually get out of bed, shower, eat breakfast and actually just get ready to tackle the day. I woke up and I just couldn’t. Something as simple as showering seems as if its as big of a challenge as climbing a mountain.
All I want to do is sleep. But when I lay in bed this morning, not managing to get up, I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. It was as if I had pins and needles in my veins and blood and organs, as if anxiety was in my body and it wasn’t a symptom that I was feeling – it was actually inside me – a part of me. And all I want to do is climb out of my own skin.
In therapy today my psychologist pointed out that I always give people the power. I don’t take the lead even when its my right.
With work for example, I put all the power into my partners hands and don’t take control of the situation.
I’m always afraid of being the bad one. So I’ll let people take advantage of me over and over again all in the name of being a ‘nice person?
I do it at work and in relationships and basically every day life.
She suggested to listen to my body. If I have to make a decision I should always go with my gut – whether that outcome benefits the other person or not. Because in the end I’m just hurting myself…
I just feel as if A is the only constant I have and the only place I feel safe right now.
With all the uncertainty with my new job and starting the business. I feel unstructured and under pressure. So I’m being a clingy little girl that wants to be with her boyfriend all the time.
Insecurities have just washed over me these past two weeks and all of a sudden things that seemed like a dream seem like a struggle. All of a sudden I have so much fear and anxiety while I sit here crying. Crying for my ex husband and the life I would have had. Crying because I fear losing A and what I fear even more than that is, the fact that I am so attached to him now. Fearing the business venture, fearing failure and even success. Fearing it all.
I made an appointment with my psychologist for the first time after 6 months.
I don’t think I really need to go that badly, because it’s a small slip up, but only good can come from going to a session and getting my mind cleared and getting an objective view on everything.
This past week at home hasn’t been the greatest. Not sure if I was lonely and missed everyone or because I’m anxious about work or because I decided I’d lose weight this week and I actually landed up gaining…Possibly its a combination of all three.
So I have an appointment Tuesday afternoon when I get back to the city.
I’m not going to tell my parents that I’m going back to therapy because I just don’t want them to worry right now, they think I’m much better and I am, it’s just a slip up.
I will tell A, I don’t know how or when but I feel I probably will. I don’t know what he will say, I just don’t want to keep it from him as its a big deal and its a part of me and I have to be open about it because I need him on my team.
My brothers girlfriend is visiting and she is wonderful.
A soul mate. We connected and became so close so quickly. It was absolutely incredible.She is studying psychology so we really spoke about things on a much deeper level which was amazing.
All my aunts and uncles and cousins are here for Christmas.
This festive season has ben spectacular with everyone I hold so dearly. Christmas has always been my favourite time of year, I really struggled last year because my husband and I were worlds apart and he was so depressed and we fought and I cried constantly. I always felt that Christmas was ruined. Not this year, this year is filled with love again.
I heard back from Israel and they need more letters from my doctor about my depression and anxiety. Sigh… So I will only go next year probably.
My heart is here freezing, as my tears fill my bowl and I’m finally tasting alone. Sat at an ice cream parlour and you broke my heart, now I’m tasting the saddest vanilla.
You’re such a swamp, but you’re all I want.
I miss him.
I feel scared and anxious for the future. Trying to be peace at where I am at this moment. Be free in the learning and be free here and now in this moment. I have no direction and I have no where I’m heading and I guess I am lost. But I am me and that is enough for now.
I will be found and I’m not faking it anymore. I don’t know what or who or when or how. I don’t know what I want from this life. And thats ok for now.
There’s a bright white beautiful heaven hanging over me.
365 days ago, you walking down the isle clutching onto your dad. Faces of your your closest friends and family gleaming at you with the biggest smiles. You’re on top of the world and you can’t wait to stand next to the man of your dreams, your soul mate, the person you have chased to be your best friend and in minutes you’ll be his wife.
Only getting to the alter, look to your right, and you read your soon to be husbands face. You have been in love for years, you have a form of telepathy by now and the expression on his face tells a thousand words.
Whispering ‘are you ok?’
He says “you look beautiful’ in a stern whisper.
The priest starts the ceremony and you marrying a blank face.
Reception dinner, everyone is laughing and dancing and drinking and you’re crying under a tree because since you said those words ‘I do’, you have been told by your husband that you are not a wife, you are a child, you weren’t ready to be married and you are now attention seeking and hogging the lime light. All at your own wedding.
The day you have been dreaming about.
The man you love.
The future you had envisioned.
It all comes crashing down with everything line that he has thrown at you and you crumbling with every tear, wishing you could run and cry and be held, but you too afraid to speak to anyone because he will throw more and more lines at you.
I miss Him.
He is distant and I feel that we hardly know each other.
I know it was genuine. I will never stop feeling silly though, I won’t stop thinking that he did lead me on. cations spoke louder than words. We agreed that it was casual. But the actions told a different story. Weekend brunches at his house with friends, we packed the dish washer together. Helping each other pack when we went on trips. Sharing our dreams of travelling and being together. Going on a romantic getaway together. It was mixed signals. Giving me something that I shouldn’t get used to, seeing the end and the start and teaching me to gamble and saying we’d win. So I went all in and now I’m in this dream alone,
The situation just became so much tougher than us. I know I said I wouldn’t cry about it but I guess I am. Just because I knew there was going to be an end, doesn’t mean I don’t still feel his arms around me. His gentle touch and his soft voice haunts my thoughts and I can’t get them out of my mind.
I’m trying to act all tough and say its a game and I can’t be smoted. I’m a little broken, I’m a little shattered and I’m a lot sad.
So many emotions.
So calling my husband for his birthday yesterday was an epic fail. Whilst I felt content about our relationship. He felt the opposite.
So since yesterday afternoon I have been bombarded with mail and been called the following – notice that all this name calling is coming from someone who is not emotionally abusive, instead very loving and caring:
You ruined my birthday by calling me. You have put me into a dark depression. You are a liar and a user and you will be exposed for who you truly are.You are a coward.You are mentally ill You’ve been playing the innocent victim to your friends and family. You developed an interest in someone else and discarded me to pursue this interest. I’m not saying you cheated on me. You lived a double life Danielle there are things I know about that you do not know I know about. Danielle people are going to see your true colours in time. You are very ill. You are damaged. I feel deeply deeply sorry for whoever suffers from your cruelty. I sincerely feel sorry for any honest decent human being that experiences the pain your evil causes. They deserve my love – not you. I feel desperately sorry for the poor person that falls in love with your emptiness.
I don’t care what is going on in your life, you don’t speak to people in this manner. No one has the right to think they know anyone better than they know themselves. No one has the right to treat people this way.
Amongst the bliss.
The divorce is official.
It is all over.
I feel indifferent and relieved and perhaps numb…this makes me feel guilty.
I feel light and free.
Scared, liberated, numb, alone, happy, free, guilty, heartbroken.
It’s a moment. Life is filled with moments. The chapter of my life where my husband and I lived as one was wonderful. It was one of my favourite chapters and my favourite moments. Life is filled with moments – and in every moment we feel that it is the most important of our lives and it is. The moments are real and they are fleeting and even when they are hard they are beneficial and part of the journey.