I miss you – Day 12

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I miss Him.

He is distant and I feel that we hardly know each other.

I know it was genuine. I will never stop feeling silly though, I won’t stop thinking that he did lead me on. cations spoke louder than words. We agreed that it was casual. But the actions told a different story. Weekend brunches at his house with friends, we packed the dish washer together. Helping each other pack when we went on trips. Sharing our dreams of travelling and being together. Going on a romantic getaway together. It was mixed signals. Giving me something that I shouldn’t get used to, seeing the end and the start and teaching me to gamble and saying we’d win. So I went all in and now I’m in this dream alone,

The situation just became so much tougher than us. I know I said I wouldn’t cry about it but I guess I am. Just because I knew there was going to be an end, doesn’t mean I don’t still feel his arms around me. His gentle touch and his soft voice haunts my thoughts and I can’t get them out of my mind.

I’m trying to act all tough and say its a game and I can’t be smoted. I’m a little broken, I’m a little shattered and I’m a lot sad.

So many emotions.

Strangely enough, I actually love cooking – Day 3

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Today was better at work, I was more comfortable and I felt a little more in control. I was actually starting to get used to being there and get used to being home.

Last night I lay in bed and I couldn’t sleep, for a few hours I tossed and I turned. Worrying about the Kibbutz because I hadn’t heard back yet, the Kibbutz is my out at the moment. If the Kibbutz doesn’t happen then I don’t know what will. Worried about him because he has become so distant. Worried about my relationship with my boss.

I made the decision that tomorrow evening when I meet him for dinner, I am going to end our relationship. Is relationship even the right word? I don’t know.

Eating wise wasn’t great. I binged on ice cream in the afternoon. I went to the farm at about 17h00 to spend the night. We landed up having such a fun spontaneous night! Made pizza and pasta and had wine and then chocolate and then we even had liqueurs.

My mum, dad, my brother and me. My happy place, on the farm.

 

Bliss – Day 19, 20, 21, 22

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The view is stunning.

We take long walks on the beach and share ice cream.

We cook dinner over a glass of wine.

He sleeps soundly on the couch.

We stare into each others.

We hold hands and kiss and explore.

Slight anxiety because I never want this holiday to end.

I want to stay locked in the haze with him.

Tomorrow – Day 18

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So I spent the night at his house last night and then will stay there tonight as well and then we fly in the morning for our holiday!

We had a bit of a strange evening as I made it quite clear to him that I feel he is stringing me along. It was awkward and it probably wasn’t the best way of going about things and it added pressure. I however feel much better that I got everything off my chest.

Looking forward to our trip away. A little bit nervous and anxious about it, but looking forward. I have had a rough year and I need a holiday.

I held my heart in my hands and I listened to it – Day 2

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Binge and purge on four bowls of granola this morning – I love granola! So awful start, also skipped gym. Got to work and wasn’t feeling particularly motivated but I gave myself a stern talking to because I really to start getting inspired and excited about work again.

Naturally skipped all my meals for the rest of the day and this evening I sat and I did eating disorder therapy homework and it was incredible. It was hard at times and there are many interesting observations I made. I am quite clearly still harbouring a lot of anger towards my ex husband (I wonder when it will become ex husband, things are really taking their time)

I also have many issues with not being good enough.

Interesting observation, is that I have a fear of growing up, I think many of us with eating disorders do. I think its perhaps because I am the youngest, I am the baby of the family, it just happened so. I am always being protected and everyone is constantly looking out for me and worrying about me, I am the baby. This is all good and well but I feel that I have this fear because I am scared to fail and also because my husband always called me a child – its engraved in my mind that I am a child.

Somehow I feel that my growth keeps getting stunted somehow. My family really wants me to grow of course, but I am still the baby in their eyes. The one that needs to be looked after (I cant exactly blame them for feeling this way as I have for some reason my whole life always found myself in some kind of emotional turmoil). As a child, my brother and sister used to call me the tap – because I cried all the time, I was literally like a tap that you could switch on and off. I was so incredibly sensitive. I went to boarding school as well and there I had my brother and sister look out for me.

When I was about 14 I often used to burst into tears because I didn’t know what was wrong, I didn’t know what I was feeling. I would cry because I was scared that I would never amount to anything and I would cry because I didn’t feel like I fitted in anywhere or that I couldn’t relate to anyone.

Because I went to boarding at the age of six, I was never taught how to deal with emotion and I never witnessed a lot of emotion in my family as I only saw them on every third weekend and then during the holiday. When we got together it was all about celebrations and being together – if there was something that I was upset about I would just sweep it under the rug because I wanted to enjoy my time with my family. Only when I was nineteen and all my drama came out did I actually connect with my family on a more emotional level. Only then did I become open with them.

Anyway, growing up scares me because I feel in a way that no one is allowing me to. The fact that I don’t earn much money makes me feel awful because my mum still gives me money – I feel like I cant make it a month without her help. Also the fact that I now live on my uncles property. The fact that I don’t feel that I am growing at work anymore.

I really don’t feel like I am growing. The fact that I took the risk of getting divorced and putting so much work into healing and into my personal growth has really made me look at every aspect in my life in a completely different way. If it isn’t feeding my soul anymore then why am I still doing it?

At work I am starting to feel that the only reason I am still in my job is because of my boss. Because I love her and I am so loyal to the business and we have become such incredible friends. I don’t feel like I am challenged at work or motivated or growing. I am doing this for her, for her business and because I don’t want the brand to fail, I want the brand to thrive. However, I am no longer thriving?

This really is the year of me. For the first time in my life I am putting myself first and doing whats good for me and taking responsibility for myself.

I think this is one of the reasons why I fell for him so quickly – because I just said ‘fuck it, I want to kiss you so I am going to kiss you’, I didn’t lie worrying about how it would affect me later, I didn’t think about my husband, I didn’t think about the fact that I am still technically married. It just felt right and I just followed my heart and I took a risk and it has been amazing.

I thought I could never pull out from under my husbands stare. Well I did. I held my heart in my hands and I said ‘fuck it’. I’m taking your word and I’m listening to it, and as real as the blood pumping through the veins in my heart – that is how real this year has been. That is how real things become when you listen to your heart and you risk everything for your heart.

I fear I’ll die from complications – complications from the things that I have left undone.

If you walk in circles you’ll find yourself back at the start. Everything you want is on the other side of fear – Day 13

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I saw my psychiatrist this morning and my dose has been upped for my antidepressant and mood stabilisers. going from 100mg Lamictal and 20mg Lilly Fluoxetine up to: 150mg Lamictal and 40mg Lilly. She is happy to up the dose because I am on such a low dose and she feels that this could potentially be chemical. Also apparently you have many receptors in the brain and perhaps only some receptors are being linked and if we up the dosage more will be linked. Now what the fuck happens when they are all linked and I need to start unlinking them because I want to go off the medication?

When I get triggered I understand, and I understand what my triggers for my eating disorder are. Example yesterday there were of course a lot of strange feelings when I dropped off my settlement agreement. Then in the afternoon the plot thickened – my marriage certificate is missing – so now what? I binged and purged.

However when I wake up anxious in the morning and depressed and I want to binge and purge – this doesn’t make sense to me.

So this morning I went to gym and I had a balanced breakfast after and I had a balanced lunch because as much as it is psychological it is also physiological. Restricting is setting yourself up for failure – it will probably land up in a binge and then the anxiety gets worse and then purging is a great release and then you feel calm. Its a sick cycle and an addiction. So I really need to make a conscious effort to eat balanced, even if I find it scary – because I find a normal healthy portion to be massive – but then I binge and purge on 2000calories at once? Wavering between restricting and binging – sick sick cycle. If you walk in circles you’ll find yourself back at the start.

Another fun fact is that my marriage certificate has disappeared. I am 100% sure that it was in the envelope I dropped off yesterday and now my husbands lawyers say it isn’t. Naturally I am freaking the fuck out and anxiety level at 190000% and I have taken two urbanol – which I am not sure is even healthy? I am feeling slightly calmer but not even much, my legs are shaking so much and I have so much nervous energy yet I want to take a nap.

And now I am feeling calm and this post is going to take a complete different direction which I think is fantastic because it shows how scattered my brain is right now.

In hindsight maybe everything is just the way it IS meant to be? This is the path you meant to be walking, this is the journey. Is it hard? yes its fucking hard and its dark but its also light. In hindsight maybe everything is the way it is meant to be right now and life is a risk. Getting divorced was a risk and the best risk I have ever taken – no matter the fact that I will always hold my husband dear to my heart – it was a risk and it was great. Everyday is a risk, waking up is a risk and driving your car to work is a risk.

Life stops for no one, the world is carrying on. Time wont fly because you are paralysed by it, but the world is going on all around you. And maybe this is just the state I am in right now. I need to feel lost and absorbed in my eating disorder, and I need to have a disappeared marriage certificate because in the grander scheme of things its just a marriage certificate – I can and will get another. Its not the end of the world. In hindsight my friend was supposed to be really upset with me so that I could learn to balance friendships and personal relationships.

Perhaps right now I need comfort and I’m finding it in my eating disorder and yes I do need to fight it – but maybe this is just the space I am meant to be in. In hindsight maybe I am supposed to be completely terrified about the fact that I have met a man that makes me happy because its teaching me to follow my heart and take a chance on him and risk it and take the leap and just be.

In hindsight maybe this is where I need to be. In this cycle and on medication and divorced at 25 and now falling for someone new. I need to have a little money so that I can learn its worth. Maybe in hindsight the fat that I feel completely indifferent about my husband is just the way its supposed to be -no need to feel guilty because I moved on to quickly – who the hell made that rule up anyway. Maybe this is all just the way life is supposed to be right now.

Maybe it all just is.

And I just need to learn to be comfortable with the unknown because none of us know where we will be tomorrow. Maybe we just need to speak our minds and be open and tell people we care and love them and take the risk. Risk that job. Risk telling that person how you feel. risk telling your boss that you fucked up. Risk following your dream. Risk doing something you have always wanted to but were afraid you would be laughed at. Just follow your heart, if your wants you to take that risk then just take that risk.

Everything you want is on the other side of fear…

PART II – Day 1

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Why do we crucify ourselves?

My heart is sick of being in chains.

Part II was supposed to start off on such a positive note. Instead it started with binge purge in the morning, 8km run, and then a nap.

I’ve wanted to leave this life. No, I don’t want to die, but I definitely wouldn’t mind leaving for a while. Today I had an awful morning and then I had brunch and it was lovely and then it was awful. I hid out today. I hid from the world today and I stopped feeling today and I gave into the numbness and I gave into the sorrow. The funny thing about sorrow (not that there is anything funny about sorrow), is that it doesn’t always wear the mask that you expect it to. It isn’t always lying on the floor crying and it isn’t always feeling depressed – sometimes sorrow is staring for two hours and being blank and sometimes its distraction of any form.

Today it was binge and purge. Today it was my dark side, and I remained there all day. Today I was numb and I didn’t care. I honestly just didn’t give a fuck about life at all. SHOCK! HORROR! People think I am incredibly strong and resilient and wise and positive – well yes I am resilient. But I also have a very negative side to me – my dark side, and no one will ever take me away from my dark side. We all have that side, some darker than others. And don’t think because you have not seen someones dark side that they don’t have one – oh trust me they do. We all do. My gran used to call it the little devil on your shoulder. Thats your little dark side that crucifies you. Literally, it turns the lights off.

Your dark side sits and criticises you until you are stripped bare. The dark side makes you feel so much hurt that your heart feels it is going to explode and that dark side also makes you feel nothing. When you are so broken and you force the tears and they don’t come. You hanging out with your dark side my friend.

My dark side and I bonded today. Thoughts of self harm, hatred, depression, regret and all things poison.

Misery is company.

Is it healthy to have days like this? I don’t think so. Days to mourn and days to cry and be sad and days to feel sorry for yourself are necessary. Days where the dark side of depression kicks in and you allow it – I don’t think these days are healthy.

I will honestly try to sit with the dark side next time and feel the thoughts instead of pushing them away. I have to try and learn to live with that dark side and just be present in it. No one deserves to be there.

My therapist is back – Day 19

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It’s been three weeks since I have been to therapy and I think I have done really well. There have been moments where I have got through a dip where I could have handled my emotions in healthier ways but I none the less I am actually impressed with myself.

I have been feeling really good lately but I have been restricting my intake and therefore today felt so weak and so I had a sandwich for lunch. I sat on the stairs at work and took probably 30minutes to eat half a sandwich. This is the give away that I am not doing 100%. I’m suppressing through restriction, the worst thing about it is that I hardly even notice myself restricting anymore, its second nature sometimes. Its a habit that is becoming so hardwired in my mind. My BMI is currently 19.22 so I am still in a healthy range but there is a part of me that so badly wants to get down to 18.5. I however know that as soon as I get to 18.5, that number will become 17 and then 16 and then its a spiral. I should probably throw my scale away.

What I realised today was that meeting this guy who we will name ‘Mr Surprise’ has given me so much hope. However is has also made me incredibly scared. I don’t know if anything will happen but I know that I would like this to transpire. I am petrified though because I still have the mentality that I don’t deserve anything unless I give something and then only am I allowed something in return. If I did something wrong, my husband would always point it out and then name all the wonderful things that he had done for me. My life became ‘an eye for an eye’. If someone did something nice for me I would always immediately do something nice for them. I stopped believing that I deserved to be treated properly and that I was worthy.

But I am worthy and i am allowed to enjoy peoples kindness. You cant only be a good giver, you need to be a good receiver as well. This is what I am trying to teach myself – that I do in fact deserve to be treated with love and kindness. Instead when someone is loving towards me I get scared that they will stop once I disappoint them and then I restrict.

So now I have to start a food journal, which I hate. A. Because its such a mission writing everything you eat and the way you feel 3 times a day and B. Because recovery food journals make me feel like a sick person. Which is ridiculous, because the journal is what I need to prevent myself from becoming physically sick.

Anyway things with my divorce are going slow, nothing has really happened. I did email my lawyer today so hopefully we will hear back soon.

There are angels above me, angels above you – Day 18

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I woke up in such a great mood this morning and then had a great time at gym and then he called, the perfect stranger and then the rest of the day my jaw was sore from smiling. We’re going for coffee on Thursday.

I drove by my house today that my husband and I shared, usually I just by pass it completely and I don’t even think bout turning down that street. This morning on my way to work however I found myself turning right, driving on the road that knows my pity little past and realises the death of us. I just drove by and I didn’t stop, I just kept driving. Everything looked exactly the same! Nothing has changed. The gate is the same colour and the garden has the same trees and the walls have the same coat of paint. Nothing has changed on the outside. People drive by that house daily and no one notices it and no one will ever stop to think about what goes on it that house.

Life is so complex, it has so many layers and we are all just going by our daily routines, seldom stopping to think what is going on behind all the closed doors and the high walls. Every house and every heart is carrying so many stories.