Yesterday afternoon A and I took the plunge. We’ve been discussing it for months but I’ve always been nervous and I wanted to be ready and take it slow…
We had a few vodka cranberries, chatted about life, kissed playfully and giggled. Made love on the couch – it was incredible. It was so intimate. Later we found ourselves upstairs in bed and he asked if we should try and I said yes. It was painful but he was so gentle, he was so loving and soft and made sure I was ok and comfortable at all times and he made sure that I felt completely in control. He liked it, said it felt different, really good but different. And I liked it, it was sore, but like a good kind of sore, but every time I started to enjoy I would be reminded that is was slightly painful, even though a good kind of painful.
I asked him to stop, and we could try again later because it was really just so incredibly overwhelming. Because I don’t think I have ever trusted anyone as much as I trusted A in that moment. I never even trusted my ex husband like that. The trust and the connection I felt last night was so powerful – I know he obviously felt connected to me as well, but I think for a man, the physical experience overrides everything else?
Afterwards I felt so raw and emotional, we lay in each others arms kissing and he said ‘how did I get so lucky?’ and I replied with the same. ‘I’m really just the luckiest to have you, you’re so special’ he said. And I smiled and closed my eyes on his chest.
I guess I’m just surprised at the emotional effect this has had on me. In a way I feel like a changed woman, like a whole new reality has been revealed to me and that mine and A’s relationship will definitely be different from here on out. Not a huge difference, but a slight difference. Because its as if letting go completely – for possibly the first time in my life – has shown so much trust and love for him. I felt so vulnerable and safe and close to him. The connection was like something we had never experienced before.
I guess I’m scared and I’m anxious because I feel so out of control around him – so natural and organic – and that is a foreign territory for me. I have fallen so in love, with no safety net and it’s the most frightening experience.
I feel so incredibly vulnerable and emotional now.
It was a long rough week.
So its only natural that I polished off 3/4’s of a bottle of wine in 45minutes…
It was great fun. We had dinner at A’s house and two of his friends came over and we drank and snacked and played beer pong and A and I won both rounds 🙂
Then…his friends went to buy cigarettes and A and I snuck up to his room for some fun while they were gone. Then it was all smiles and we hung out and then I don’t even remember what happened and how it happened and why it happened and how it just came out!
All I remember is I said ‘I love you’ in a very casual and nonchalant way. And he hugged me and said ‘My honey, you my everything, you the only girl I want’. And I looked down to the side, yes of course I was hoping he would say it back. Instead he said ‘I just don’t want to say it yet, I’ve been single for so long, I just don’t feel ready. Is that ok?’
And then his friends came back and that was that…
Yes its ok.
Doesnt change the way I feel…
I went to visit a friend at her kibbutz. We all had a great time drinking a little and smoking a little.
I met this guy D and his friend E and we hung out.
They both 22 and fresh out of the army and working at a kibbutz for 6 months. I really hit it off with them, really nice guys.
From the start it was clear that D and I were interested in each other and we really connected and I landed up spending the night. He was so sweet, saying how it felt so good to be wanted, how he isn’t usually the guy that gets the girl – which I found strange because he is gorgeous and super sweet. We made love and it was really amazing, innocent and sweet and there were times when he said ‘this is new’ which was sweet. When we woke up in the morning it was as if he completely warmed up to me and felt comfortable and he came out of his shell and took control and it was hot and rough and great.
He went to work in the morning, I slept late and when I woke up I hung out with E. We chatted and we really connected and we flirted. He kept touching my leg, I purposely lay on my stomach when we were laying outside chatting so that he could look at the curves of my back and he lay his head on my calves and then my thighs. ‘Are you movin up and next thing you’ll be lying on my bum?’ I asked. And he said that was his plan. He picked me up and carried me to his room and we had sex and half way through it – I just stopped him and said I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t make love to his best friend and hours later with him right next door.
I left. He walked me out and we hugged and kissed.
On a different day I would have loved to be with him. He made me feel vulnerable. But on the same day as his best friend. I couldn’t do it.
Spent the night with Andrew 🙂 and woke up and chatted in bed and watched the Hangover in bed.
Its like baby white rabbits out in the rain, I didn’t understand what it meant then and I don’t understand what it means now.
The garden, the rain, barefoot on the grass, a stranger, a touch.
And now I wonder am I the one you think about when you sitting in your chair, do you wish I was there?
I said I wouldn’t, but I guess I did.
Now how sad it would be to waste this when the sun peaks out.
Lets just keep dancing around in your childhood room.
You hold me up and my legs sway high above the ground.
I said I wouldn’t, but I guess I did.
I love how you guys are always around to catch me when I fall with your elastic waist band 🙂
You fit again, and it’s annoying, I want you to be loose again, please be loose again…
The thing is, that I don’t feel that we belong. We simply don’t fit, we literally ripping holes into each other and overflowing with emotion. However the sad truth is, that when we together we comfort each other and egg each other on to binge and purge and feel the sweet satisfaction of control again…and then we get consumed.
So we are going to sit here now, in the garden with glass of wine and we going to sort out our differences and we going to accept and respect one another and build each other up. We are going to stop judging one another.
Cheers to us. Cheers to the love and respect we are harvesting…
‘Lets go for a walk’ he said.
‘Ok, do wanna go for a run or a walk, should I put sneakers on?’ I asked.
‘Doesn’t matter, just come’
‘Okay…’ I said awkwardly
We walked down the road and he seemed anxious, I just shrugged it off and I keep walking down the road, holding his hand and chattering on about nothing in particular. He pulled me to the right and we headed towards the dam. The very empty dam where my brother and sister and I played as kids. I stood looking around at the trash on the ground, the bottle tops, shards of glass and old wrappers polluting the area.
‘Danielle, I love you, you are my world and I never ever want to be without you’ he said out of the blue, pulling me closer.
‘I love you’ I said and I smile.
‘Oh my God! What are you doing?’ I exclaimed as he started lowering himself onto one knee.
‘Will you be my wife?’
Naturally I burst into tears, we held each other kissing, our salty tears sliding down our cheeks.
Two years ago.
New years eve.
Tonight I stood in the kitchen in my parents house. My mum holding me in my arms telling me that she is proud of me, that I am going to thrive. The sadness will linger for long and the healing will take time, but I will heal. Tears running down my cheeks, I’m dry heaving from the emotion. I feel nothing yet I feel everything. Eyes blood shot from the crying and I’m exhausted.
But its over. It will linger and the pain will walk with me for a while still.
But I will be found.
Dear You, (Him, the man I so hopelessly fell for)
I think about you every day. Your soft touch, the way you kissed my forehead when you walked past me. How we lay in bed exploring each others minds and enlightening each others universes. The instant hope we felt as our lips met for the first time. Everything we taught each other about love and life and everything in between.
I’m sending you love and compassion. I miss you deeply but more than that I am grateful. I will forever love you deeply and appreciate what you taught me. I would have loved for you to stay longer, but you have weeded your way out of my world.
Live and let live.
Christmas is my favourite time of year, the family, the love and the festivities.
Christmas and boxing day and the 27th of December I spent most of my time sleeping. I was feeling so lethargic. I tried to write, I tried to read, I tried to spend time with my family and it all seemed like a struggle.
Christmas morning, I struggled to get out of bed. It was only until I saw my nephew that the fog lifted slightly. His excitement for the presents, his hugs and his laughter. We sat opening all his presents together and I helped him get into his spider man suit that my mom bought him for Christmas.
The way he spontaneously says ‘I love you’
I don’t know why and I don’t know how or what. Maybe it was because Christmas last year was awful. Maybe its the memories of being asked for an annulment 5 days after my wedding. Perhaps its feeling that my childhood had ended, because I was now married and I felt that I lost a part of myself. And how my ex husband told me I wasn’t a wife and I wasn’t ready for marriage, that our marriage was a mistake?
I don’t know. It was hard these past three days.
Despite my magical family, the most wonderful and loving people in the worlds, I couldn’t lift that fog. If it wasn’t for my beautiful nephew I don’t know how I would actually had made it through. Thank you, I love you.
365 days ago, you walking down the isle clutching onto your dad. Faces of your your closest friends and family gleaming at you with the biggest smiles. You’re on top of the world and you can’t wait to stand next to the man of your dreams, your soul mate, the person you have chased to be your best friend and in minutes you’ll be his wife.
Only getting to the alter, look to your right, and you read your soon to be husbands face. You have been in love for years, you have a form of telepathy by now and the expression on his face tells a thousand words.
Whispering ‘are you ok?’
He says “you look beautiful’ in a stern whisper.
The priest starts the ceremony and you marrying a blank face.
Reception dinner, everyone is laughing and dancing and drinking and you’re crying under a tree because since you said those words ‘I do’, you have been told by your husband that you are not a wife, you are a child, you weren’t ready to be married and you are now attention seeking and hogging the lime light. All at your own wedding.
The day you have been dreaming about.
The man you love.
The future you had envisioned.
It all comes crashing down with everything line that he has thrown at you and you crumbling with every tear, wishing you could run and cry and be held, but you too afraid to speak to anyone because he will throw more and more lines at you.
I miss Him.
He is distant and I feel that we hardly know each other.
I know it was genuine. I will never stop feeling silly though, I won’t stop thinking that he did lead me on. cations spoke louder than words. We agreed that it was casual. But the actions told a different story. Weekend brunches at his house with friends, we packed the dish washer together. Helping each other pack when we went on trips. Sharing our dreams of travelling and being together. Going on a romantic getaway together. It was mixed signals. Giving me something that I shouldn’t get used to, seeing the end and the start and teaching me to gamble and saying we’d win. So I went all in and now I’m in this dream alone,
The situation just became so much tougher than us. I know I said I wouldn’t cry about it but I guess I am. Just because I knew there was going to be an end, doesn’t mean I don’t still feel his arms around me. His gentle touch and his soft voice haunts my thoughts and I can’t get them out of my mind.
I’m trying to act all tough and say its a game and I can’t be smoted. I’m a little broken, I’m a little shattered and I’m a lot sad.
So many emotions.