So I’m the heaviest I have ever been but I haven’t binged and purged/ starved in ages – Day 23

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I guess I need to be proud of that?

Instead of beating myself up for not eating healthy and skipping gym and having parties where I drink a bit too much.

Instead realize how far you’ve come?

I’ll get there. Eventually I will get back to where I want to be and I will be the best version of myself. It hasn’t even been a full year since my divorce was finalized so I guess I cant expect myself to be 100% just yet – and I cant expect myself to be the way I was before it all fell apart. I’ll get there, eventually I’ll get to a place that I am proud of and a routine and lifestyle that I can actually keep up with.

I’m healthy now – mentally I have ups and downs but I am nowhere near where I used to be – mentally I am a different person. I have my own business and while its hard its better than where I was. And the best thing…I have the most wonderful loving boyfriend and I am so grateful for that.

I actually love myself – Day 17

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My relationships, work, my future, the world – its all more important now and its what matters.

There was a time where what I ate and how much I worked out ruled above everything. feeding my eating disorder was more important than spending time with my loved ones and more important than the creative work I produce.

When I thought about who I was – the only thought that came to mind was fat. And my goal was thin. It breaks my heart to think that for so many years I found being thin more important than everything else in my life.

!0 years – Day 5

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Weighed myself this morning – What a fuck up, surprised the scale didn’t collapse. Skipped breakfast – This actually wasn’t even intentional, I just landed up having an incredibly busy morning. Had a sandwich for lunch and now having lasagne for dinner. Went grocery shopping this evening and making a meal plan for the week. I have to get into healthier habits, and it will be nice to shed a few kg’s while at it.

I have started reading a book called ‘Letting go of Ed’ by Pippa Wilson.

I’m hoping it helps me to let go.

It’s been 10 years.

It’s time to let go…

The biggest misconception one can make, is to think an eating disorder is shown in ones weight – Day 15

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So I am the biggest I have been in about 5 years at the moment and its horrendous but I seem to be handling it well. The support from A is tremendous – mainly because he never ever mentions my body or weight and he didn’t mention anything when I got back from Israel 6kilograms heavier. Because he never focuses on my body – be it good or bad – I have never felt uncomfortable about my body around him.

I purged tonight for the first time since being back from Israel. Simply because I ate too much and I was full and I didn’t want to deal with that feeling so I just purged – not a lot even, not all the food, just until I felt more comfortable. Then I shrugged it off as if nothing had happened.

So what – Day 10 

  

I have gained so much weight, I had to buy a pair of jeans today and they were 2 sizes bigger than what I normally wear.
Strangely enough even though I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin…I feel happy. Is my body where I want it to be? No, most definitely not. But does this define me? No, definitely not. 
I’ve been going to gym and trying to eat healthy and have treats in moderation. 
There is a fear that I slip back into restricting however. I really don’t want to risk it because I feel myself getting excited about the fact that my collar bones are starting to become more visible. I want to do this right. I want to do this the healthy way this time round. 

It’s not that I stopped caring, it’s that I cared too much – Day 5 

  
When did you stop caring?’ he asked.‘I didn’t, I still care, I care too much’ 

A asked about my recent weight gain. How I am being so nonchalant about it. I cared too much. Its not that I just stopped caring about what I looked like, so I just allowed my weight to balloon. That’s not what it is. I cared too much and I worried too much and I obsessed too much. That is what caused the weight gain. Because of caring too much, the anxiety takes its toll and the eating disorder takes over and you don’t have a choice in the matter. You’re eating disorder decides if she wants to lead you in the restricting route or the overeating route. 

You cannot simply choose…

Cheers to wearing my fat jeans again – Day 2

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I love how you guys are always around to catch me when I fall with your elastic waist band 🙂

You fit again, and it’s annoying, I want you to be loose again, please be loose again…

The thing is, that I don’t feel that we belong. We simply don’t fit, we literally ripping holes into each other and overflowing with emotion. However the sad truth is, that when we together we comfort each other and egg each other on to binge and purge and feel the sweet satisfaction of control again…and then we get consumed.

So we are going to sit here now, in the garden with glass of wine and we going to sort out our differences and we going to accept and respect one another and build each other up. We are going to stop judging one another.

Cheers to us. Cheers to the love and respect we are harvesting…