I’m so incredibly curvy at the moment that when I look at my boobs and butt, I get a little turned on even…thats how sexy I’ve become. A loves it obviously and there is a part of me does too.
But I’ve never wanted to be sexy.
I wanted to be tiny and cute and skinny.
I want clothes to hang off my bones, my want my pants to float around my hip bones and I want my waist to be so tiny, I want my ribs to stick out and I want to count them.
I want to be fragile and waif like, floating… delicate.
I want to be held and I want him to run his fingers across my bones, I want him to be so gentle because I might break.
Now he looks at me and thinks I’m so sexy and strong and confident. He loves every curve and stares at me when I’m wearing a low cut top, he touches me all the time and he can’t keep his eyes off my body.
Which is better…which is beautiful. Because I am a woman. And that is beautiful and that is powerful.
But the illness in me still wants to be a weak and fragile fairy like creature…
Forget the mirror. Forget the folds when you pinch your sides, the days you spend wishing some parts of you will melt away, or disappear, pinch your neck, your arms, your thighs, take everything out. As a young girl you wished you could use knives to make it all disappear.
But you were always meant for so much more.
You’re a woman and you can do anything and achieve anything and be anything you want to be.
Its the century where we have the world at our hands and we chose to be thin and we chose to be pretty. Intelligence, kindeness, perseverance and strength didnt appeal because Anna and Mia defined strength as something else.
Forget them. Forget the mirrors and the whispers form others. The magazine covers, the false idea of beauty and strength. Forget them.
Clench your fists and tighten jaw and take it back. Be the woman you were born to be.
Life is too short to live one life and it’s way too short to waste. It’s too precious and its too special to spend all your energy on hatred for yourself. Life is a gift and your body is the only home you have. Why destroy your home?
Forget what they say because it doesn’t matter.
You can be whoever you decide to be. Take back what the illnesses stole and be the woman you were born to be.
I spoke to my ex husband today about a few payments and debit orders that have been going out of my account for his medical scheme. Naturally he won’t pay me the money back. It’s fine.
Speaking to him brought on so much anxiety, I even drank an urbanol. I had a lump in my throat speaking to him and just his tone of voice makes me scared and want to cry. Which is so ironic because he comes across as the sweetest man ever.
Thanks for the reminder that leaving you was the best thing I ever did. Things are so much better now that you are not around.
Honestly I’m so grateful.
Last time I catch the bus in Israel.
I catch the Metropoline bus from Mitzpe Ramon to Beersheva and I just stare out the window. I honestly cannot believe that I fly him today after two months of travelling this across this magical country. This country that will forever hold a piece of my heart. I stare out the window at the endless landscape of desert mountains. The desert doesn’t always look the same, the richness is so alive, the scenery changes with almost every turn. From a clear blue sky contrasting with red sandy mountains and smooth rocky cliffs, the closer we get to Beersheva the greener it becomes and the sans are lighter shades of taupes and browns. These montains that hold some of my tears and my screams that I scream as I got to the top of a difficult climb.
I’m just in time to catch the train so I at least don’t have to wait for a long time in the train station. The trains are so spacious in Israel, which helps with all my luggage. I’ve had to sell half my belongings just to fit all the gifts in that I bought for everyone.
I arrive at the airport and before the luggage drop off and being issued my ticket I get asked a million questions. In typical Israeli fashion, each person gets asked a string of questions and my heart bleeds for the poor Canadian girl to my right who has spent about 15minutes being questioned and all I keep thinking to myself is ‘please let me get someone else for the questioning, please don’t let me be questioned by the woman who is harassing the poor Canadian girl’.
And luckily I wasn’t, but I was still questioned and my god did I try to be charming. The questions are as follows:
‘Where in Israel did you travel?’
‘Are you Jewish?’ – I lied and said my grandmother is Jewish, yes ok, I lied in the holy land.
‘Can you speak hebrew?’
‘Can you read or write Hebrew?’
‘Why were you in Turkey?’
‘Where did you stay in Turkey? Do you have family and friends there?’
‘Is there someone we can contact in Israel to prove you were with them?’
‘Did anyone give you any gifts? Are you sure?’
And so on and so on…
Eventually made it through…
Weight gain, biggest I have been in years. Somehow I think its funny, it’s uncomfortable and I feel like a stranger in my own but, but I find it funny. It doesn’t make me sad, it doesn’t make me hate myself and judge myself. I don’t look at myself in the mirror with disgust anymore. I haven’t been restricting and when ED suggests I purge, I don’t, I literally say ‘whats the point?’
When I am comfortable and ready in my body and in my mind, I will focus more on the ideal body I would like and it will be fit and strong and healthy and balanced. That is my ideal body, healthy.
My brothers girlfriend is visiting and she is wonderful.
A soul mate. We connected and became so close so quickly. It was absolutely incredible.She is studying psychology so we really spoke about things on a much deeper level which was amazing.
All my aunts and uncles and cousins are here for Christmas.
This festive season has ben spectacular with everyone I hold so dearly. Christmas has always been my favourite time of year, I really struggled last year because my husband and I were worlds apart and he was so depressed and we fought and I cried constantly. I always felt that Christmas was ruined. Not this year, this year is filled with love again.
I heard back from Israel and they need more letters from my doctor about my depression and anxiety. Sigh… So I will only go next year probably.
I miss Him.
He is distant and I feel that we hardly know each other.
I know it was genuine. I will never stop feeling silly though, I won’t stop thinking that he did lead me on. cations spoke louder than words. We agreed that it was casual. But the actions told a different story. Weekend brunches at his house with friends, we packed the dish washer together. Helping each other pack when we went on trips. Sharing our dreams of travelling and being together. Going on a romantic getaway together. It was mixed signals. Giving me something that I shouldn’t get used to, seeing the end and the start and teaching me to gamble and saying we’d win. So I went all in and now I’m in this dream alone,
The situation just became so much tougher than us. I know I said I wouldn’t cry about it but I guess I am. Just because I knew there was going to be an end, doesn’t mean I don’t still feel his arms around me. His gentle touch and his soft voice haunts my thoughts and I can’t get them out of my mind.
I’m trying to act all tough and say its a game and I can’t be smoted. I’m a little broken, I’m a little shattered and I’m a lot sad.
So many emotions.