This is the saddest vanilla that I’ve ever tasted – Day 14

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My heart is here freezing, as my tears fill my bowl and I’m finally tasting alone. Sat at an ice cream parlour and you broke my heart, now I’m tasting the saddest vanilla.

You’re such a swamp, but you’re all I want.

I miss him.

I feel scared and anxious for the future. Trying to be peace at where I am at this moment. Be free in the learning and be free here and now in this moment. I have no direction and I have no where I’m heading and I guess I am lost. But I am me and that is enough for now.

I will be found and I’m not faking it anymore. I don’t know what or who or when or how. I don’t know what I want from this life. And thats ok for now.

I’m ok.

There’s a bright white beautiful heaven hanging over me.

Fingers crossed – Day 8

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I have sent everything to the Kibbutz! I should know in a few days if I am accepted. If I am I will be leaving 28 December already! I am so nervous and excited and scared.

Fingers crossed that I get to go!

Conversation I have with most people:
‘Are you sure you want to go to a Kibbutz?’
Me – ‘Yes I’m sure’
‘So you really going?’
Me – ‘Yes’
‘Are you serious?’
Me – ‘Yes, why does no one believe me!’

If I stay here, trouble will find me,
if I stay here, I will never leave.
I will always think of you,
I will always call you my home.

My boss and my bestie – Day 7

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My bosses husband was in a car accident.

I heard on Friday, I also heard on Friday that she has bad mouthed me and twisted the whole story about my resignation. Everyone is speaking about it. I am the villain again. Rumours going around every where.

I called her this morning, and we spent the afternoon together in the studio. We spoke and we patched things up, we both agreed that we completely merged work and friendship and we should have handled this in a better manner. I am going to help her this week just to keep the ball rolling, until Friday when the business closes for the holidays.

Our friendship is special, I will never deny it.

I enjoyed being in the studio with her again, working with all the factory staff again and seeing James.

You are never “recovered” from an eating disorder, always in the eternal participial purgatory of “recovering” – Day 2

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Work went much better today.

My relationship with food and my body however is slipping. I found myself in front of the mirror this morning bending over trying to see the ribs on my back – which are hardly visible anymore. I say I found myself in front of the mirror because you slip into these habits so instantly that you are on autopilot and all of a sudden you realise what you are actually doing.

I miss my ribs and I miss my protruding hip bones and I miss my slimmer thighs. The sad part her however is that when I am at my thinnest I still need to be thinner and I am still not happy with my body. I keep trying to remind myself that I have to love myself, my body is just a shell and no matter what my shell looks like it actually does not affect my love for myself, its all on the inside. I need to love the inside.

Working on it one day at a time.

I haven’t spoken to him since Monday and this makes me sad I will admit.

I had a good day until lunch and then afterwards I had a slab of chocolate – there I go, labelling the day as bad. I will skip dinner now. Or I can force myself to have dinner and be calm and kind. Skipping dinner is easier, listening to ed is easier today.

Not going back to work, not naive – Day 23

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I have left my job, never going back. My boss and I are having many disputes. I think what hurts the most is that i genuinely thought my boss and I were friends. genuinely I thought that beyond work relations, we were good friends. I guess in a way I feel incredibly foolish because she has shown me before that our relationship is purely work related.

I guess in a way I’m always going the extra mile, whether it be with colleagues or friends or lovers, I suppose I always try give all I can even when it doesn’t serve me. This is something I have to learn?

Yes I am only 25?

Yes I am only young?

However I would never had married the man of my dreams if I felt i was too young to settle and live my life as a couple and start a family. I wanted a family. I wanted him and his beautiful soul. I wanted marriage. I wanted to share my life with him. I wanted him. I wanted the nights on the couch. I wanted the movies, I wanted the drunken dinners, I wanted the spontaneous love making outside. I wanted to share his bed and listen to him breathe and I wanted to explore the world freely with him. I wasn’t naive. I knew what I was doing. I was marrying my best friend, the man I loved more than anything in the world – the man I loved more than myself even.

My best friend made me a divorce cake, looking forward.

I can’t even deal – Day 13

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Got paid my old salary.

Shoot me.

Fuck.

I cant even deal. I’m not even going to work. Honestly I am not going to work. I emailed and asked he about the increase and she said she is happy to discuss it on Friday – There is nothing to discuss!

Also my date with Rick was cancelled – we just not compatible? He literally told me I was crazy lol. He said as desirable and lustrous this seems he feels that it will have an expiration date. I appreciate his honesty I suppose. And now I am not in a pickle. And I just got batted.

Today was a bit of a fail.

Having some wine and having an early night.

Weight off my shoulders, I am freeeeeee – Day 24

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Ok so I did it…

I resigned 🙂

It actually went surprisingly well, I was just completely honest and open with my boss. Honesty is always the best policy. I explained to her that I wasn’t growing, I felt I was stagnating. She was incredibly supportive, and agrees that I need to grow and go out and explore the world, because I told her I was really interested in travelling.

Bleh – Day 16 and Day 17

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Not great…

Meeting with boss postponed.

Work stressful.

Boss making me furious.

Husband harassing.

Binging.

Feeling exhausted all the time.

Today was in fact lovely – Day 12

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Work was lame.

Dinner with him was lovely, got indian take out. Watched a bit of TV, drank a bottle of wine and just lay together chatting.

Perfect.

When your job resembles your failed marriage – Day 11

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How much fun is this…woke up and got paid my old salary. Had to give my boss a lift to work (yes my boss gets rides with me every now and then and yes I know how ridiculous that sounds), sat driving and she was chatting away and I honestly wanted to punch her in the face.

I thought not to bring it all up while I was literally fuming. I felt the need to calm down and not get anxious and emotional and then make things even worse!

As the day progressed it did get worse. Then I wanted to start screaming and punching walls I was so annoyed. She texted me constantly about really stupid crap that we have discussed numerous times. She always sends me about 15 messages in a row and contradicts herself in all of them and changes her mind in every single one of them – so I always ignore them and then eventually read them when I have the strength to decode what she is trying to say.

She told me today that I often don’t follow through with projects – which is true, I am an absolute starter and not a finisher, I have to put in a conscious effort to finish. So I wasn’t even offended by this, I was incredibly pissed off however because twice now we have scheduled a meeting and she has conveniently ‘forgotten’ and then there is my tax situation that she has been sorting out for literally two years now. Then there is the cell phone allowance and the fuel allowance that she also conveniently ‘forgets’ to pay.

Of course there are the empty promises…

I have not started my handbag line because it keeps getting put on hold. I have not received my raise that was for the end of September? I am still not receiving my cell phone and fuel allowance so there goes my money spent on growing her fucking business! Oh and then there is the fact that I would become partner in the business – next minute – she says ‘you know the business has no money so there really isn’t much point in even becoming partner’ – WELL thats comforting…

So I am paying to work for her. I honestly feel that I am not growing. I am stagnating like old water that you forget in your car because it rolled under the seat. Sadly I am so loyal to her – I love her and I love the brand, I am however not loyal to myself…because I am choosing her over me.

Sooo….

For the past week or so I have spontaneously been looking out for new jobs every now and then and then today shit got real. I stalked the internet for job vacancies and I will be doing so tomorrow as well.

This is so bold…

On Monday I want to hand in my four weeks notice ‘fml, way to cause myself an anxiety attack’. Is this the most responsible thing to do? Well no not at all, you cant leave a job into unemployment thats just silly. I however cannot sit in another situation where someone I love gets put before me and when that particular person and I start to destroy our relationship and destroy each other as people all because we didn’t know how to call it quits. We have the same arguments and the same fights over and over again. She is not going to fulfil her empty promises and I am not going to ever be ok with that and I have lost all motivation and feel that I don’t have the strength to carry on and that is unfair to her and to the business.

This is the year of risks…

It is also the year of being fearless and just saying Fuck it – whats the worst that could happen. If I dont get a job I will start my handbag collection. Literally sell my wedding rings and they will give birth to my own handbag collection. And if that takes off then fantastic and if that fails – then I will work for my aunt or someone or I will start waitressing or something and that will not be the end of the world. The end of the world is fucking stagnating.

I would rather have the whole world against me than my own soul.

I know things get rough, but when they get rough and you cant climb your way out of the roughness then its time to get up and walk away. I am not ever going to work and work and work myself to the bone to keep something going when I know that in my heart it is over.

Mark my words – I will survive off the knuckles of my fingers if need be – but I will not stagnate!

On a fun note – I got so fed up with work that I left at 3pm and then I went to buy a smoothie maker and then came home at 5pm and had wine and made dinner and now I am in bed already at 7pm and I will fall asleep shortly and tomorrow will be lovely.

Good night xxx