My blog turns 1 year old today 🙂
I cannot believe this blog has been going for a year already and I cant believe everything thats happened.
How much I have grown and how much the blog has grown.
In the past year:
Moved into my own flat,
Quit my job,
Recovery for eating disorder – still doing this,
Backpacked through Israel solo,
Started a relationship with the most wonderful man,
Started a business
Blogged every day for a year
And probably a whole lot more 😉
I’m so proud and grateful to every single follower and reader, Thanks so much for all your love and support 🙂
I woke up anxious. So I looked inside and I turned into me. I’m wearing a denim dress and a teal bowler hat. I’m that girl that sits in the book store reading with a cup of coffee. It’s my happy place. When I sit with all these books around me I feel at peace. It’s like a whole new world, filled with stories and opportunities. I love the wooden shelves, the colours and the smells. The different fonts, the hard covers and the soft covers. Fiction and classics, and so much to explore. The feeling of the pages on the tips of my fingers. The endless possibilities, where you can for hours be transported to a different world. You’re a different character. You’re a new person in new surroundings, you have new friends and you have new dreams. You look different, you look however you want to look.
I’m the lucky one. The pretty one. The favourite one.
This is what my ex husband thought of me and my family, I was the lucky one and my sister was the underdog. My brother and I were lucky, we fitted in, we were closer to my parents and we were closer to each other. C was the outcast he said, she was the underdog. Perhaps that is why he was always so fond of her.
It must have been incredibly difficult for my parents raising C and it must of been incredibly difficult for C to grow up in our family. ‘You don’t understand how hard it must have been for her when you came along. You the little princess.’
When I was a teenager I always wanted to be like her. She was thin and she was beautiful. She wasn’t sticking her finger down her throat, she wasn’t cutting herself. She was always incredibly loving, a mother by nature, she was a caretaker. She got married a virgin.
Of course she rebelled, she rebelled the most out of us the three of us children. She was flawed, but she was herself and she was perfect to me. I wanted to be just like her once a upon a time.
She was the lucky one. She was the pretty one. She was the favourite one.
Thats how I saw it when we were growing up. Yes my brother and I are closer. I’m the princess, I am. I’m the firecracker and the risk taker and most say I am the favourite and the pretty one. I’m different and I’m a good listener and liberal and supportive. Does it matter? She’s pretty, she has set values, she’s the most wonderful mother. She is smart and she is driven. She is the one that is filled with love all around. She is happy and she is funny. She is a role model. She is kind and she puts family above all.
It doesn’t matter what we are or who we are. We are sisters. It never was and it never will be a competition. It doesn’t matter.
We are who we are.
We are the lucky ones.
‘Lets go for a walk’ he said.
‘Ok, do wanna go for a run or a walk, should I put sneakers on?’ I asked.
‘Doesn’t matter, just come’
‘Okay…’ I said awkwardly
We walked down the road and he seemed anxious, I just shrugged it off and I keep walking down the road, holding his hand and chattering on about nothing in particular. He pulled me to the right and we headed towards the dam. The very empty dam where my brother and sister and I played as kids. I stood looking around at the trash on the ground, the bottle tops, shards of glass and old wrappers polluting the area.
‘Danielle, I love you, you are my world and I never ever want to be without you’ he said out of the blue, pulling me closer.
‘I love you’ I said and I smile.
‘Oh my God! What are you doing?’ I exclaimed as he started lowering himself onto one knee.
‘Will you be my wife?’
Naturally I burst into tears, we held each other kissing, our salty tears sliding down our cheeks.
Two years ago.
New years eve.
Tonight I stood in the kitchen in my parents house. My mum holding me in my arms telling me that she is proud of me, that I am going to thrive. The sadness will linger for long and the healing will take time, but I will heal. Tears running down my cheeks, I’m dry heaving from the emotion. I feel nothing yet I feel everything. Eyes blood shot from the crying and I’m exhausted.
But its over. It will linger and the pain will walk with me for a while still.
But I will be found.
Weight gain, biggest I have been in years. Somehow I think its funny, it’s uncomfortable and I feel like a stranger in my own but, but I find it funny. It doesn’t make me sad, it doesn’t make me hate myself and judge myself. I don’t look at myself in the mirror with disgust anymore. I haven’t been restricting and when ED suggests I purge, I don’t, I literally say ‘whats the point?’
When I am comfortable and ready in my body and in my mind, I will focus more on the ideal body I would like and it will be fit and strong and healthy and balanced. That is my ideal body, healthy.
Dear You, (Him, the man I so hopelessly fell for)
I think about you every day. Your soft touch, the way you kissed my forehead when you walked past me. How we lay in bed exploring each others minds and enlightening each others universes. The instant hope we felt as our lips met for the first time. Everything we taught each other about love and life and everything in between.
I’m sending you love and compassion. I miss you deeply but more than that I am grateful. I will forever love you deeply and appreciate what you taught me. I would have loved for you to stay longer, but you have weeded your way out of my world.
Live and let live.
Christmas is my favourite time of year, the family, the love and the festivities.
Christmas and boxing day and the 27th of December I spent most of my time sleeping. I was feeling so lethargic. I tried to write, I tried to read, I tried to spend time with my family and it all seemed like a struggle.
Christmas morning, I struggled to get out of bed. It was only until I saw my nephew that the fog lifted slightly. His excitement for the presents, his hugs and his laughter. We sat opening all his presents together and I helped him get into his spider man suit that my mom bought him for Christmas.
The way he spontaneously says ‘I love you’
I don’t know why and I don’t know how or what. Maybe it was because Christmas last year was awful. Maybe its the memories of being asked for an annulment 5 days after my wedding. Perhaps its feeling that my childhood had ended, because I was now married and I felt that I lost a part of myself. And how my ex husband told me I wasn’t a wife and I wasn’t ready for marriage, that our marriage was a mistake?
I don’t know. It was hard these past three days.
Despite my magical family, the most wonderful and loving people in the worlds, I couldn’t lift that fog. If it wasn’t for my beautiful nephew I don’t know how I would actually had made it through. Thank you, I love you.
My brothers girlfriend is visiting and she is wonderful.
A soul mate. We connected and became so close so quickly. It was absolutely incredible.She is studying psychology so we really spoke about things on a much deeper level which was amazing.
All my aunts and uncles and cousins are here for Christmas.
This festive season has ben spectacular with everyone I hold so dearly. Christmas has always been my favourite time of year, I really struggled last year because my husband and I were worlds apart and he was so depressed and we fought and I cried constantly. I always felt that Christmas was ruined. Not this year, this year is filled with love again.
I heard back from Israel and they need more letters from my doctor about my depression and anxiety. Sigh… So I will only go next year probably.
My heart is here freezing, as my tears fill my bowl and I’m finally tasting alone. Sat at an ice cream parlour and you broke my heart, now I’m tasting the saddest vanilla.
You’re such a swamp, but you’re all I want.
I miss him.
I feel scared and anxious for the future. Trying to be peace at where I am at this moment. Be free in the learning and be free here and now in this moment. I have no direction and I have no where I’m heading and I guess I am lost. But I am me and that is enough for now.
I will be found and I’m not faking it anymore. I don’t know what or who or when or how. I don’t know what I want from this life. And thats ok for now.
There’s a bright white beautiful heaven hanging over me.
365 days ago, you walking down the isle clutching onto your dad. Faces of your your closest friends and family gleaming at you with the biggest smiles. You’re on top of the world and you can’t wait to stand next to the man of your dreams, your soul mate, the person you have chased to be your best friend and in minutes you’ll be his wife.
Only getting to the alter, look to your right, and you read your soon to be husbands face. You have been in love for years, you have a form of telepathy by now and the expression on his face tells a thousand words.
Whispering ‘are you ok?’
He says “you look beautiful’ in a stern whisper.
The priest starts the ceremony and you marrying a blank face.
Reception dinner, everyone is laughing and dancing and drinking and you’re crying under a tree because since you said those words ‘I do’, you have been told by your husband that you are not a wife, you are a child, you weren’t ready to be married and you are now attention seeking and hogging the lime light. All at your own wedding.
The day you have been dreaming about.
The man you love.
The future you had envisioned.
It all comes crashing down with everything line that he has thrown at you and you crumbling with every tear, wishing you could run and cry and be held, but you too afraid to speak to anyone because he will throw more and more lines at you.