365 days ago, you walking down the isle clutching onto your dad. Faces of your your closest friends and family gleaming at you with the biggest smiles. You’re on top of the world and you can’t wait to stand next to the man of your dreams, your soul mate, the person you have chased to be your best friend and in minutes you’ll be his wife.
Only getting to the alter, look to your right, and you read your soon to be husbands face. You have been in love for years, you have a form of telepathy by now and the expression on his face tells a thousand words.
Whispering ‘are you ok?’
He says “you look beautiful’ in a stern whisper.
The priest starts the ceremony and you marrying a blank face.
Reception dinner, everyone is laughing and dancing and drinking and you’re crying under a tree because since you said those words ‘I do’, you have been told by your husband that you are not a wife, you are a child, you weren’t ready to be married and you are now attention seeking and hogging the lime light. All at your own wedding.
The day you have been dreaming about.
The man you love.
The future you had envisioned.
It all comes crashing down with everything line that he has thrown at you and you crumbling with every tear, wishing you could run and cry and be held, but you too afraid to speak to anyone because he will throw more and more lines at you.
I miss Him.
He is distant and I feel that we hardly know each other.
I know it was genuine. I will never stop feeling silly though, I won’t stop thinking that he did lead me on. cations spoke louder than words. We agreed that it was casual. But the actions told a different story. Weekend brunches at his house with friends, we packed the dish washer together. Helping each other pack when we went on trips. Sharing our dreams of travelling and being together. Going on a romantic getaway together. It was mixed signals. Giving me something that I shouldn’t get used to, seeing the end and the start and teaching me to gamble and saying we’d win. So I went all in and now I’m in this dream alone,
The situation just became so much tougher than us. I know I said I wouldn’t cry about it but I guess I am. Just because I knew there was going to be an end, doesn’t mean I don’t still feel his arms around me. His gentle touch and his soft voice haunts my thoughts and I can’t get them out of my mind.
I’m trying to act all tough and say its a game and I can’t be smoted. I’m a little broken, I’m a little shattered and I’m a lot sad.
So many emotions.
I’m not admin, I’m a human being. I wasn’t admin when you were coming in my mouth, now I’m clingy because I want to spend time with you before I leave? I was there with you when things were hard and then you went off to New York, you came back, something happened while you were away. When you came back I wasn’t with you in that space, you shut me out and you didn’t let me be there with you. You shut us all out. I wanted to be next to you, feel with you, if it was something you had to do alone – I wanted to be there still so that you knew when you come out from underneath it all, I would still be waiting.
Now I realise, I was convenient.
I came into your life when we both needed healing. You came alive, you were with me every day and you were hanging out with friends again. You came out of that dark room that you buried yourself in for two years. You were back and everyone welcomed you with open arms and everyone was so happy to have you back and I was ecstatic about us meeting. It was all so beautiful.
I know you want to be here with us, you were happy and you were free again. Playing with your dogs and going for walks, cooking meals together and sharing our dreams. You were happy there. What changed in New York? Did you come back and realise we weren’t good enough, that you in fact didn’t want to be with us?
You came back and all of a sudden you isolated yourself again. Yes you are busy. We know you so busy making money out there and making a name for yourself. Your scheduled is packed and there isn’t a slot for us. You’re back there again and there isn’t space for us.
I know in the beginning it was real, but when things became too real, you backed out. Now its about convenience for you. Now you’re busy packing your things and getting ready for your new life, wrapping up things on this side and there is no time left for the rest of us. No time for me, and no time for your friends. It’s not convenient right now, you don’t need us right now. You have your new dream and your new life now.
I have sent everything to the Kibbutz! I should know in a few days if I am accepted. If I am I will be leaving 28 December already! I am so nervous and excited and scared.
Fingers crossed that I get to go!
Conversation I have with most people:
‘Are you sure you want to go to a Kibbutz?’
Me – ‘Yes I’m sure’
‘So you really going?’
Me – ‘Yes’
‘Are you serious?’
Me – ‘Yes, why does no one believe me!’
If I stay here, trouble will find me,
if I stay here, I will never leave.
I will always think of you,
I will always call you my home.
Amongst the bliss.
The divorce is official.
It is all over.
I feel indifferent and relieved and perhaps numb…this makes me feel guilty.
I feel light and free.
Scared, liberated, numb, alone, happy, free, guilty, heartbroken.
It’s a moment. Life is filled with moments. The chapter of my life where my husband and I lived as one was wonderful. It was one of my favourite chapters and my favourite moments. Life is filled with moments – and in every moment we feel that it is the most important of our lives and it is. The moments are real and they are fleeting and even when they are hard they are beneficial and part of the journey.
Ok so I did it…
I resigned 🙂
It actually went surprisingly well, I was just completely honest and open with my boss. Honesty is always the best policy. I explained to her that I wasn’t growing, I felt I was stagnating. She was incredibly supportive, and agrees that I need to grow and go out and explore the world, because I told her I was really interested in travelling.